Yesterday I had to take Moo to Centrelink. They sent me a letter saying that now she is 16 she has to apply for an allowance. Oh, and I have to prove to them that she exists. THEY sent ME a fucking letter and now I have to prove to them who she is?????

So we did everything required, birth certificate, letter from the school (which said she was born in 1999 which would make her 8. Idiots.) student ID card, 3 consecutive years of school reports, my Medicare card, my tax details for the last 2 years, my pay slips and filled the forms out online. And then printed out the other 6 freaking forms and filled them out by hand.

We get in there and stand in line. Next to a woman who hasn’t bathed this century. Then we are called up. Apparently the information I got from calling the Call Centre THREE times was wrong. Moo didn’t need to be there (and miss English and her fucking Year 11 EXAM is next week!!!!) and she didn’t need to open a bank account. TWO people on the phone told me that she had to open a bank account to prove that she existed, or have a utility bill in her name. WTF? She is 16 years old! Oh and by the freaking way, you need to fill out this form.

Hang on a second. This is the form that I spent hours filling out online and nearly killed someone in the process cause it kept throwing me out. And apparently because the stupid online form added me 6 times as the contact for Moo, I need to fill out 6 extra forms……

So with gritted teeth and mumbling expletives (not to the chick on the counter, I know it is not her fault) I filled out the fucking forms again.

Then we sat and waited. Weirdly, we were the only ones in the waiting area. Then a couple walked in. The woman huge, with bleach blonde hair and black roots. Huge shapeless stained shirt and a fag behind her ear. The guy, 2 inches shorter, no shoes, tight black jeans covered in cat hair.

Moo looked at me, I looked at Moo. The woman sat right next to me. Chairs empty everywhere. She sat down next to me. The stench was unbearable. And the fucker was breathing through her mouth so the rotting contents of her bowel was assaulting my nostrils along with her body odour.

We finally got out of there. Drove Moo to school and then I took my Dad shopping.

He went to the hardware shop. I went clothes shopping. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I let a tiny little girl serve me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She kept giving me stuff that was too small or stretched so tightly across my breasticles I looked like a hooker. I bought something just to stop her from coming into the change room all the freaking time. Now I have to take it back, cause I am never going to wear a skin tight lime green tshirt.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We decided to have lunch in the food court. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I had Indian. From. A. Food. Court. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am sitting here with a bucket beside me. Stupid, stupid girl.

And I am shitting through the eye of a needle…..

I need coffee. DH used the last of it this morning. And didn’t tell me. Asshole.

Now, do I risk running to the shop to get some more? Should I wear a nappy like that astronaut chick?

Now my stomach is doing that gurgling thing again…….

Oh, man, this sucks.

And Boo found my toothbrush again…….

Furry, vomit covered teeth.  Burning ring of fire.  Caffeine withdrawals. And I am ovulating so zit the size of a planet on my chin……

This week I have learnt a lot of things.

I have learnt (from Erin!) that the more water you drink the more your stuffed up nose will run…… down the back of your throat causing spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am. Causing you to vomit in the hallway.

I have learnt that said spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am do not wake my snoring husband. Even when I purposely do it 2 inches away from his ear.

I have learnt that said SCCA@3am causing vomit covered hallways need to be cleaned up by said vomiter. BUT only if your names starts with K and you are the mother.

I have learnt that KFC takes longer than 8 hours to digest. Ew!

I have learnt that toilet paper really is better for blowing your nose. No peeling nose for me! Thankyou near poverty for being able to afford toilet paper or tissues. Not both.

I have learnt I am easily pleased. Ecstatic actually. When DH brought home the new coffee maker yesterday by whole body shuddered with pleasure.

I have learnt that I am a much nicer person with coffee. LOTS of coffee.

I have learnt that if you stuff the Eye Toy camera in your mouth you can actually see your tonsils on the screen! Source: Watching Boo through the family room window.

I have learnt that I hate the Teletubbies. Well I have always hated the Teletubbies, but I especially hate them when 1. they are lined up on my kitchen bench while I am trying to cook, mocking me and 2. when they join their partner in crime, Boo, in scaring the bejesus out of me in the middle of the night, sneaking up on me to yell ‘Kill Kill Kill’ while I am in a SCCA.

I have learnt that I NEED coffee. Really. Oh sweet nectar of the Gods….

I have learnt that I have some wonderful caring friends both in real life and on the internet. Thankyou. You are my life line.

I have learnt that the very idea of DH going back to work gets me rather, ahem, um, excited. He starts MONDAY!!!!!!

I have learnt coffee soothes the savage mummy. (See a theme here?)

I have learnt that my workmate A is truly mad. Certifiable. And that is why I love her. She is currently putting in a tender to get a used Army tank. For her front yard. And she has a dead cat in her freezer. Apparently for DNA evidence if the police ever take her complaint seriously. Yes, mad as a cut snake, but wonderful. She took pity on me yesterday and went out and bought me a coffee.

I have learnt that my kids are wonderful. I have always known that, but I need to put something in here about ’em!

I have learnt that waking up in the morning and finding comments on my blog makes my day that little bit brighter, even if I have to go to work.

And lastly, I have learnt that shoes really do make me happy. Especially my sexy knee high red ones 🙂