I am working on the 100 things thinga-ma-hoosey and it will be in the pages button at the top of my blog. I have already got to 100 posts and I have only been bloggin’ for less than 2 months…..

Was going to bitch about the fact that Boo slept for 2 hours last night (hey! what happened to Monday nights girls? Looks like someone dropped the ball. Monday night was supposed to be sleep-through-the-night night not jump-on-Mummy’s-face-singing-Circle-of-Life-till-dawn night…. almost showed him first hand the freakin’ circle of life.)

Ahem, anyway…..

I think it is more fitting for my 100th post to direct you to my sidebar. Click on the pink ribbon. If anyone knows of an Australian one please let me know and I will add that too.

This is for you WhyMommy. I feel so helpless, want to wrap you up in a blanket and take the pain away. Just for a day. One day for you to be able to play with your boys, sit with your girlfriends, go shopping without pain. Without exhaustion. Without stares.

Just one day of life like it was before IBC.

Everytime I look at my sidebar I think of you.  The Team Whymommy badge and the ‘You make me Smile’ award that you gave me.  That means the world to me coming from you.

So dear friends, pop over to Toddler Planet and join Team WhyMommy and help this amazing woman spread awareness while she fights the fight of her life.

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Now that I have sent everyone on a guilt trip, vowing never to complain again (did you read the disclaimer at the start of the post?????) I thought you would like to hear about someone who could sleep through armageddon, wake up and go ‘Hey, so what’s to eat?’

DH can sleep ANYWHERE. I mean it. Any-freaking-where.

Floors of hospitals

tiled or carpeted while on ‘watch’ when one of our kids was in there for ‘insert ailment here’ Doctors and nurses stepping over him. Floor buffers just rolling him out of the way.

Nightclubs

stairwell – took me 2 hours to find him, thankfully the bouncers knew us and one was watching out for him
the making out couches – with people mauling each other next to him

out the front – waiting for me to come out….

Christmas Day

in front of the tree while the kids were opening their presents

at the freaking table while eating!

On the floor while talking to the relies

sneaking off to the bedroom

Parties

as before, sneaking off to the bedroom – no matter that he doesn’t even know the hosts

in the backyard under a tree

in the corner, next to the stereo

At work

during a especially long song

in a meeting

at the office Christmas party

But the one that I never let him forget, that I bring up constantly, that he will pay for for the rest of his natural life……

IN THE HOSPITAL, ON THE BED WHILE I WAS IN LABOUR FORCING ME TO WRITHE IN PAIN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!

and here is a picture!

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The nurses thought it was funny. Adorable even. Me? Not-so-much.

Minutes later his testicles were in a vice grip. Coincidence?

So needless to say he is not helpful during Boo’s midnight soirées. He is just bloody lucky he makes a mean latte in the mornings.

* as an aside, some fabulous news. Boo slept through the night last night, methinks he has been reading my blog and deigned to give me a good nights sleep.

And now add mud to the mix. Mmmmm tasty.

I actually slept all night. I awoke this morning to the dulcet tones of my Boo singing. That could only mean one thing. He is up, alone…….

And shit and toothpaste.

I lumbered out of bed to survey the damage. Boo is no where to be seen.

The singing I heard was coming from his laptop, a cunning plan. Something he recorded earlier to mess with his mummy’s brain.

I stumble into the family room. ‘Taz wanted’ is playing at full volume on the PS2 and there are muddy footprints (or at least I HOPE it is mud) all over the floor.

Boo is outside on the swing. With the gate open. He is actually wearing pants, backwards, but clothed all the same.

I shut the gate and hope to God that the neighbours haven’t had an early morning call from my boy and no one has seen me in my oversized maternity nightie covered with smiling bears. Yeah, sexy huh?! But it is comfortable after 8 years of wear.

Back inside to assess the damage.

The pantry door is open. Food is strewn all over the floor and the teletubbies take pride of place where the sauces (now lined up in colour cordinated rows on the bench) used to live. The freezer door is open and there is a bucket full of water placed in the middle of the kitchen floor. A lone piece of chalk floating on the surface.

Every toy he has ever owned is carefully placed around the family room and the toy boxes are empty.

Salt and pepper has been ground into the grooves of my dining table.

The lounge looks relatively unharmed, but the Polish news is on and Buzz Lightyear is watching it.

The bathroom! Shit and Toothpaste Batman! I dash to the bathroom, my heart racing.

The sinks are full of water. There is a fecal mural on the wall. Every towel has been removed from the cupboard and strewn all over the floor.

But no toothpaste. That’s right, I hid it before I went to bed. Phew. Pity I can’t sew his arse shut.

He has found my razor. You know those cutesy girly ones with the moisturising soap strip that you sing along with Jewel while lovingly tending to your hairy bits? Yeah, well now it is naked. Hope the moisturising strip was tasty Boo, now I am gunna have to wear pants till I can get another one.

My hairbrush is snapped in half and there is toilet paper draped over the mirrors.

Will the horror never end?

Sadly no.

I chuck some clothes on and go and check Boo outside. He is using various plates as Frisbees.

‘Play with me Mummy!’ he squeals, delighted to see me out of bed.

He is covered in mud. His innocent smile radiates under the smudges of mud all over his face (Please God let it be mud!) his pj top is splattered with what looks like tomato sauce. *sniff* yeah it’s sauce, not blood….

‘Play with me Mummy’ he repeats, handing me a plate, his huge brown eyes smiling up at me with affection.

‘Boo, Mummy needs a coffee first’ and some sort of medication.

‘OK, then we play frizbee’

I drag myself inside, head down so I don’t see the destruction waged by my tiny terrorist, make coffee and sit down to whinge at my computer.

Boo is outside again, digging in the mud. Remember last week when I was so excited about him actually touching the mud. Slap me will ya?

But at least I got a full night sleep.

I’ve gone all pathetically Cindy Brady and I am thick (and if you are truly thick, I mean I am speaking with a pathetic lisp therefore ‘s’ is ‘th’ and if you still don’t get it forget about it)

This could probably explain the truly freaky comments I have been leaving on other peoples blogs. I am seriously considering googling ‘How to kill John Howard or George Bush, either it doesn’t matter’ or ‘anarchists cookbook’ to see if any men in dark sunnies knock on my (still) shit covered door. Really need to do something about that. The shit, not the men. But if they are good looking enough……. mmmmm

My head is pounding and every time I blow my nose a little squeak comes from the depths of my sinus’. Hey, it happens when I open my mouth real wide too! Better not do that too often or the Men In Black Sunnies might spy me through the window.

I have had a busy day and a restless night and the little horror child slept right through! He told me when I picked him up from school that he was going to get up at 2am. Last time he said that he must have set his internal devil timer cause he did. If he does as he threatens then expect me to be trawling the blogosphere making weird and inappropriate comments on your blogs.

You have been warned.

Too is at a just-a-friend-that-happens-to-be-a-boy ‘s house. A boy that happens to be madly in love with her, LOL. Having dinner and making their costumes for tomorrow night. You will have to wait till tomorrow to hear about the costumes. Ahem, Wow is all I can say. Oh and Too you are such a geek but I still love ya.

Moo is still at school camp and Boo is well, doing what Boo does best and being a wonderful good QUIET little polite man. *gaffaw* I am so sick I am becoming delirious…

If anyone wants me tonight I will be trawling the Bloggers Choice awards website, found some really entertaining ones today. A couple may even make it to my Latte reading material list! I added a new one today, and have noticed that Mattress Police doesn’t seem to be on the list of best humour blogs. I would nominate Diesel myself but because I am not stunningly beautiful (more like a hobbit really – Hey Grundir the Implacable I just googled you and no reference to Lord of the Rings. Now I am truly confused……) I don’t think he would appreciate it.

Oh and most important of all…..

Apparently today is ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’

Aaarrrr me hearties.

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I shouldn’t have hauled my bottom off my chair and saved him from a fate worse than Mama Cass earlier. I admit my main concern was my carpet, but I saved him all the same.

And what thanks do I get? Shit and toothpaste. He has added a new one to the mix, mouthwash. Two whole bottles down the drain and refilled with Diet Pepsi. And the pepsi bottle being topped up with water.

Oh and lets not forget him trying to cut up the lounge suite with a play doh knife.

And pouring left over soft drink from the weekend all over the newly polished (in a fit of domestic-ness on the weekend) stainless steel GAS cooktop.

And wiping his arse on his doona.

And the wall – yes the FREAKING wall!!!!

And forgetting to pull down his pants before he went to the toilet. While still wearing his only pair of shoes that he will deign to wear……

And making 8 ham sandwiches and leaving them in various states of crumbled-up-ness around the house.

And running into his sister while she is carrying a plate of scrambled eggs and giggling while it flies through the air screaming ‘Do it again, Do it AGAIN!!!!’

Surprisingly he didn’t put up his usual fight when I DEMANDED he to go to bed. Normally it is a 45 minute all in brawl to get him in the general vicinity of his bed, tonight it took all of 10.

Methinks this kid is playing with me. Methinks he knows when he has overstepped the line. Something I should rejoice. Apparently. He is being a naughty little boy, just like every other boy. Apparently.

Apparently it is illegal to strangle your child for being naughty. Even if they are almost as tall as you and stronger than 10 men.
But what if I just shake him a little?

Oooooooh, he is asleep. 10 minutes and he is asleep. Tiny little snore escaping from his lips. Spread eagled across the bed tangled up in the bedding. The pikachu bedhead I made him framing his tousled curls. Perfectly angelic sleeping face. I lean over and kiss his still baby-chubby cheek.

God how I love this child. All is forgiven.

At least for tonight.

I have had a bad day.

Boo is within inches of being smothered. If I was stronger than him, and I am not. Darn it.

He is serenading me with one of the most annoying songs of the moment ‘Big girls don’t cry’ by Fergie. He is doing a much better job. But fingernails-down-a-blackboard all the same.

Caffeine deprived, sleep deprived but just remembered I have some Clinkers hidden in my bag. Hang on a second. Talk amoungst yourselves……..

Typical. No freaking green ones. I love the green ones. I get the packet and bite a little off the ends of them to find the green ones.

WordPress is having some major problems and my blog has gone haywire. Comments are disappearing, links moving all over the shop and I am screaming in frustration. But to give ’em their dues, support has been quick and friendly while they scramble to fix the problems…… One little ray of sunshine in a rather brown coloured day.

Brown you say? Brown. Why choose that particular colour Kelley? I will give you one word. Boo. It rhymes with Boo. And it is everywhere. Hence the dreams of strangulation of my child.

Oh and before that he was counting the days of the year with a calendar. When he made a mistake he went back to January 1 and started again. He actually got to 354 and went back! Every freaking time he got to February 28 he would start going on and on and ON about how leap years are never going to happen and apparently he will kill anyone that says different. Well it wasn’t said as eloquently as that more like ‘No leap years! NOOOOOO! No leap years! You say leap year, I say kill kill kill!! Aaaarrrgggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!’

Deep breath Kelley.

And I broke 2 nails. Then in my wisdom decided to pluck my eyebrows. Bad day, caffeine deprived with the smell of the little turds turds still under my nails (that smell is just not shifting) and sharp tweezers and WAX. Yes my friends, I tried to use hot wax in my delicate condition.

I just thank the Lord that I have a fringe (bangs to you in the US of A) and hope like heck that it is not windy tomorrow.

It is 1/4 past 10 and Boo is looking like pulling an all nighter. So my thoughts turn to shoes. Hmmm, which ones tomorrow? Seeing my earlier pleas to the coffee machine Gods went unheeded I will go to the shoe sale this coming week. In order to preserve my sanity and prevent social services darkening my shit covered doorstep asking why Boo has hand prints around his neck, I will dream about shoes. Pretty shoes, pink shoes, red shoes, sky high heeled sexy shoes.

But not latte coloured shoes. That would truly break my heart.

Rest in peace my beloved coffee machine. I love you.