My dearest son.

My adorable little man.

Do you have a death wish? Or are you secretly plotting to have me keel over before my time due to sleep deprivation and sheer frustration?

I understand that you don’t need to sleep. I understand that your brain is wired in some fantabulous way that means that you can function with a bees dick worth of sleep and wake bouncing off the walls.

Yeah I get that.

But Mummy can’t. Sorry about that.

So when you sleep for a couple of hours a night for 3 weeks straight Mummy gets a little cranky. Mummy doesn’t want to play Hyperdash, or endless Boo-draws-a-random-shape-in-the-air-and-Mummy-has-to-guess-what-it-is-or-Boo-has-a -freaking-meltdown games. Or listen to Spongebob Squarepants, The Sweet Escape, Bohemian Rhapsody, Shrek 12 Days of Christmas and a hundred freaking episodes of Homestar Runner on loop. All. At. The. Same. Time.

All day and night.

Sometimes Mummy likes to rest. Sometimes Mummy sits on the couch with her eyes shut. But Mummy never likes to be greeted with a poke in the eye or a yell in the ear of ‘Wake up I hungry’.

A gentle shake on the shoulder or a kiss would be preferable.

When Mummy is sleeping it is not a good idea to:

  • Smear your poo or toothpaste on the walls, floors, toys, lounge suite or bunny.
  • Empty the contents of the pantry on the kitchen benches to make a shop.
  • Write on the walls. With mustard.
  • Call random numbers you hear on the radio or the TV. Especially the ones that talk about getting a better erection or those chicks that want to talk to you noooow.
  • Wake Mummy by the aforementioned means or with a Teletubbie inches from her face while chanting ‘Kill Kill Kill’

Or any of the crazy arsed unusual things that you find amusing and entertaining.

If it usually results in Mummy exclaiming ‘Oh Boo!’ it is probably not a good idea.

Especially when Mummy is dragging her arse around tired. And I tell you when I am tired.

OK, here is the deal. You sleep. Mummy gets sleep. The End.

Or I will be forced to do something you hate. Despise. That makes you run out of the vicinity screaming with the horror of it all.

I will sing.

Oh yeah buddy, I will sing loud. With smiling. And over emphasised actions. That I make up myself. That are vastly different to the Boo ordained actions that are acceptable in this household.

Or I will inform the military of your secret super nada sleeping powers. I am sure that they will be very interested……

Your choice buddy.

Love you,

Mummy

xx

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I have offered Moo cold hard CASH to watch Boo for me tonight.  I am going to bed.  At 9pm.

SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

And so did Boo.

I think…..

I slept so hard that:

I didn’t hear MPS snoring.

The doona was still tucked in when I woke.

I had an imprint of the crease in the pillowcase on my face for a freaking HOUR after I got up.

My ear was asleep.

That when the alarm went off I thought the light was on and it was sunshine coming through the window!  Through the still open blinds….. Good morning freaky neighbours!

And in my semi conscious state I flew out of bed to check on Boo and ran into the wardrobe door.

And it didn’t hurt.

And I was smiling.  And happy.  And thanking the internets for their sleep-you-little-bastard vibes.

So with a skip in my step and fabulous black knee high boots I kicked some serious arse at work.

And my biatch (AKA my boss) bought me coffee.  Cause I scared him yesterday.

Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa

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Don’t forget to vote for me as a hottie and best parenting blog *snort*.  The buttons are over there>>>>>

I am on page 4!  Whoot! 

Or he is reading my fucking blog.

Cause the bastard turned the night time shenanigans up a notch. He is now the official time keeper.

I knew that bragging last night about him staying in his room was a mistake.  I knew it would come and bite me in the arse.

I knew that Murphy hated me, that God and Allah and the Goddess were fucking with me.

But I just had to say that Boo was staying in his room.

And I was getting me some shut eye.

Last night Moo had her end of year break up.  Yeah, a Sunday night.

Fabulous idea.  IF you didn’t have to pick your kid (and a couple of ring ins) and work the next day.

So Mario-porn-star was going to pick them up.  And I was going to go to bed.  But I couldn’t sleep, cause I was terrified that he would fall asleep or forget to pick them up.

At 1am Boo woke up.  Full of freaking jumping beans.

At 1.15am he wanders out…

‘Mum!  It’s 1.15am’

‘Go back to bed Boo’

I lay in bed.  I have been up since six.

My eyes flutter…

‘Mummy!!!  It’s 1.30am!’

He is standing beside my bed.  I walk him back to his room…

Lay down.  The sound of a truck changing gears Mario-porn-star asleep beside me.  Of course he doesn’t hear a thing.

‘Hey Mummy!!!!  It’s 2.04am!’

‘Boo, it is time for sleep.  You need to stay in your room’

Boo in room, me passed out on top of the bedsheets.

‘Muuuuuuum! It’s 2.28 am!’

He is standing inches from my face.  I hold back the urge to smack him fair across the fucking room.

‘Boo back to bed.’

He has wet it.  And the bedding.  And himself.  Shit.

Strip the bed, change the doona (we have many cause he uses them as toilet paper) change his clothes, wack another nappy on him and beg him to go to sleep.

Boo room. Me somewhere in the vicinity of the bed.

‘Oooh Mummy it’s 2.45am!’

‘Boo if you don’t go to sleep right now I will hurt you and make it look like a bloody accident’

‘Can I watch Cat in the Hat?’

Yeah, I had that coming…..

I feel a hand on my face.  I am curled up at the end of the bed.

‘Hey Mummy!  It is 3am exactly!’

‘Boo are you psychic?  Are we going to win lotto?’

‘No’

‘Am I going to get any sleep tonight’

‘No’

So this continues until 6am.  When the alarm goes off.

Mario-porn-star finally gets up after much poking and punching cajoling and complains of being so tired.

I resist the urge to grab his balls in a vice grip and say ‘Yeah me too.’

Get everyone where they need to go.  3 trips freaky neighbours…. all before 9am.  And go to work.

S sees me and starts complaining he is tired.

He looks at my eyes.

I tell him to fuck off.

****************

as you can tell, I am really really tired. I have been awake since 6am yesterday morning. I haven’t come to visit you all today, cause in all honesty I have nothing in my head.  I tried a couple of times and all I could come up with was ‘thanks’, good post or something equally banal.  I am going to bed NOW cause the devil spawn is asleep and who knows how long that will last…. 

❤ my lovelies.  Your comments today have made me smile. 

I hate the start of Daylight Savings.

Scratch that.  I HAAAATE Daylight Savings.

I don’t care that the extra hour of sunlight will kill the plants or fade the curtains or wake the cows early and curdle the milk.  I hate the fact that it will now take ANOTHER FUCKING HOUR for Boo to go to sleep.  His internal clock is permanently set on ‘awake’.

‘Get your feet off the wall’

Now I am lamenting that I let him play outside for that extra freaking hour – yes Daylight Savings gives an extra HOUR to play in the freaking mud – and then couldn’t be bothered giving him a shower just a wipe down (cause he has to shower in the mornings due to nocturnal mictruition) and now I have foot prints on the walls.

‘Put it down’

As he pulls a book from under his bed.

‘Give me that car.  It’s sleep time’

Where the hell did that come from?  He didn’t have it in the bed.  I know it wasn’t there cause I had to change the sheets before he went to bed cause he used them as toilet paper five minutes before.

‘Lay down properly.  It is nearly 11.30.’

But in his little melatonin diminished brain it is only still early.  So par-tay on.

‘Get your hand out of Pikachu’s eye and GO. TO. SLEEP’

Boo has a soft Pickachu bedhead that I made him.  Over the years he has picked the stuffing out of the eyes.  And eaten it.

Interesting when you are wiping his arse and stuffing comes out.

I am so tired.  That bone tiredness that makes your brain all fuzzy and your mouth feel like the morning after a big night out.  My body is aching to go to sleep and Boo is doing the Macarena.

‘Leave my feet alone’

He is now resting his head on my feet.

‘Lay down properly Boo or so help me….’

giggle ‘Help you what Mummy?’

‘Don’t worry.  Just go to sleep!  Please, Boo, please.  Go. To.  SLEEP.

He is manically giggling.  Bouncing around the room.  I have tomorrow off work as a rec day.  Gunna waste my day that I was going to spend cleaning (oh the joys of a working mother, rec days are for deep cleaning) walking around like a zombie.  Or worse still, with Boo home.

‘Get our foot out of Pikachu’s ear!’

Oh God, someone, get this kid to sleep!

He has stopped moving.  He is still.  Is he….. asleep?  Or has he passed out from choking on some of the the Pokemon pupil?  Do I dare check?

A faint snore.

Oh.  He is asleep.  And it is only midnight.  Better hightail it outta here and jump into bed cause who knows what time he will start the all-singing-all-dancing one man show again.

Are you ready to RUUUUUMMMMBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!

(many thanks to my brother for teaching him that one)

Round one:

Mummy is in the kitchen, doing last nights dishes (that someone didn’t do today cause they were too busy scratching their arse while I was flying around the place getting ready for the parties)

Boo is in the loungeroom.

Boo puts Shannon Noll’s ‘Loud’ on continual loop on his computer while simultaneously shredding and masticating a metre long piece of packing foam.

Mummy is down for the count.

Round 1 awarded to Boo!

Round two:

Mummy is tidying Boo’s room.

Boo is on the toilet.

Boo snaps another towel rail in half. Finds the toothpaste – no prizes for guessing what he does with it.

And then he wipes his arse on the now puddled on the floor towel. My favourite towel. The lovely huge fluffy blue one.

Mummy clutches the doorway and smiles sweetly. Through clenched teeth.

Round 2 winner is Boo

Round three:

Mummy gets Boo ready for bed. Dreams of sleeping alone dance through her head. Oh the bliss, the decadence the spread-out-and-take-all-the-pillows-ness.

‘It is sleepover night tonight’

Shit.

Boo jumps into Mummy’s bed.

Mummy sighs and gets in too.

Mummy needs a bottle of red and a straw.

And the winner tonight is Boo……… Just like last night.

And Moo is rather pissed off about it!

So there I was, at work.  Everything was taken from my desk.  I rang IT support and while talking to DH I was chatting to him on IM.  That feral mum from school bugging me to use the phone while her snotty nosed kid was wiping her boogers on my nighty.  DH was telling me not to tell anyone but my desk was cleared cause I got the job as a nurse in Maternity at the hospital.

‘Wake up Mum.  It’s 7 o’clock’

My eyes flew open.  SEVEN O’CLOCK!!  My alarm didn’t go off!

I flew out of bed and looked at Too.  Her eyes were hanging out of her head.  Dark circles surrounded her enormous blue eyes.

‘What’s wrong babe?’  I enquired as I threw on some clothes.  We need to be dressed and out of the house at 7.55.

‘Boo woke up at 1am.  I sat with him cause I know how tired you are’

My heart melted.

‘He went back to sleep at 5.30.  Sorry, I fell asleep so I didn’t wake you earlier’

Isn’t she just the best kid you have EVER seen!

What makes it even more betterer is she is in pain.  Not better cause she is in pain, I am not that bad a mother, but she thought of me.

She has dermatitis on her feet.  They are bleeding it is so bad at the moment.  Because of that she is favouring one foot.  Because of that she has hurt her ankle.  Because of her ankle weakness, yesterday while doing sport she hurt her hip.  So her whole lower body is ‘caning’ but she still stayed up all night with her brother because she knew her Mummy was tired.

Oh, Too, you are a super star!

So she is home today.  She is not impressed cause she loves school (yeah!  I know!  A 14 yr old that loves school!) but she is hobbling around the place and I can’t stop smiling and hugging her.

And Moo is pissed off cause SHE wants to be the ‘golden child’.  It is her birthday on Friday, and she is trying to score extra points cause apparently that equals extra presents……

and Boo has been awake since midnight.  I have given up on trying to go to sleep.  The warm fuzzies I was feeling are long gone and the kid is close to being smothered with a pillow.

If I only had the energy.

Right now we are watching an infomercial.  Windsor Pilates.  Sexy women with lovely legs.  Boo is in his element.  I am actually getting quite into it.

Where’s the phone?

Oooh!  I just got an email.  I’m gunna be rich!  My friend (well he started off the email with Dear Friend, so he must be, right?) Fernando Carlos is offering me 25% of 16.5 million dollars.  Some guy died with no ‘hairs’ so apparently we can just take it.

All I have to do is send him my name, address, bank details, phone number and occupation……

But wait! Mr Edwin Martin has just offered me 40% of 384 million pounds!  And his offer has to be better because it is full of ! and “” as in, will be sent to you ASAP!! and “dead customer”.

Not really sure of what a “dead customer” is.  The ” ” have confused me a tad.  Does it mean he is “technically dead” or does that mean he is “dead when we say he is dead, just give us the go ahead and your bank details” dead?

Any rate.  I’m gunna be rich!  No calculations for me at 3am, but whatever percent of hundreds of millions of dollars is quite a lot huh?

I can get me a babysitter to deal with Boo’s nocturnal games, build a padded soundproof room and get me some sleep.

Oh and the Windsor Pilates system.  Only $70 bucks every two months for drink coasters.

Bargain!

I am working on the 100 things thinga-ma-hoosey and it will be in the pages button at the top of my blog. I have already got to 100 posts and I have only been bloggin’ for less than 2 months…..

Was going to bitch about the fact that Boo slept for 2 hours last night (hey! what happened to Monday nights girls? Looks like someone dropped the ball. Monday night was supposed to be sleep-through-the-night night not jump-on-Mummy’s-face-singing-Circle-of-Life-till-dawn night…. almost showed him first hand the freakin’ circle of life.)

Ahem, anyway…..

I think it is more fitting for my 100th post to direct you to my sidebar. Click on the pink ribbon. If anyone knows of an Australian one please let me know and I will add that too.

This is for you WhyMommy. I feel so helpless, want to wrap you up in a blanket and take the pain away. Just for a day. One day for you to be able to play with your boys, sit with your girlfriends, go shopping without pain. Without exhaustion. Without stares.

Just one day of life like it was before IBC.

Everytime I look at my sidebar I think of you.  The Team Whymommy badge and the ‘You make me Smile’ award that you gave me.  That means the world to me coming from you.

So dear friends, pop over to Toddler Planet and join Team WhyMommy and help this amazing woman spread awareness while she fights the fight of her life.

Now that I have sent everyone on a guilt trip, vowing never to complain again (did you read the disclaimer at the start of the post?????) I thought you would like to hear about someone who could sleep through armageddon, wake up and go ‘Hey, so what’s to eat?’

DH can sleep ANYWHERE. I mean it. Any-freaking-where.

Floors of hospitals

tiled or carpeted while on ‘watch’ when one of our kids was in there for ‘insert ailment here’ Doctors and nurses stepping over him. Floor buffers just rolling him out of the way.

Nightclubs

stairwell – took me 2 hours to find him, thankfully the bouncers knew us and one was watching out for him
the making out couches – with people mauling each other next to him

out the front – waiting for me to come out….

Christmas Day

in front of the tree while the kids were opening their presents

at the freaking table while eating!

On the floor while talking to the relies

sneaking off to the bedroom

Parties

as before, sneaking off to the bedroom – no matter that he doesn’t even know the hosts

in the backyard under a tree

in the corner, next to the stereo

At work

during a especially long song

in a meeting

at the office Christmas party

But the one that I never let him forget, that I bring up constantly, that he will pay for for the rest of his natural life……

IN THE HOSPITAL, ON THE BED WHILE I WAS IN LABOUR FORCING ME TO WRITHE IN PAIN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!

and here is a picture!

dadsleeping.png

The nurses thought it was funny. Adorable even. Me? Not-so-much.

Minutes later his testicles were in a vice grip. Coincidence?

So needless to say he is not helpful during Boo’s midnight soirées. He is just bloody lucky he makes a mean latte in the mornings.

* as an aside, some fabulous news. Boo slept through the night last night, methinks he has been reading my blog and deigned to give me a good nights sleep.

And now add mud to the mix. Mmmmm tasty.

I actually slept all night. I awoke this morning to the dulcet tones of my Boo singing. That could only mean one thing. He is up, alone…….

And shit and toothpaste.

I lumbered out of bed to survey the damage. Boo is no where to be seen.

The singing I heard was coming from his laptop, a cunning plan. Something he recorded earlier to mess with his mummy’s brain.

I stumble into the family room. ‘Taz wanted’ is playing at full volume on the PS2 and there are muddy footprints (or at least I HOPE it is mud) all over the floor.

Boo is outside on the swing. With the gate open. He is actually wearing pants, backwards, but clothed all the same.

I shut the gate and hope to God that the neighbours haven’t had an early morning call from my boy and no one has seen me in my oversized maternity nightie covered with smiling bears. Yeah, sexy huh?! But it is comfortable after 8 years of wear.

Back inside to assess the damage.

The pantry door is open. Food is strewn all over the floor and the teletubbies take pride of place where the sauces (now lined up in colour cordinated rows on the bench) used to live. The freezer door is open and there is a bucket full of water placed in the middle of the kitchen floor. A lone piece of chalk floating on the surface.

Every toy he has ever owned is carefully placed around the family room and the toy boxes are empty.

Salt and pepper has been ground into the grooves of my dining table.

The lounge looks relatively unharmed, but the Polish news is on and Buzz Lightyear is watching it.

The bathroom! Shit and Toothpaste Batman! I dash to the bathroom, my heart racing.

The sinks are full of water. There is a fecal mural on the wall. Every towel has been removed from the cupboard and strewn all over the floor.

But no toothpaste. That’s right, I hid it before I went to bed. Phew. Pity I can’t sew his arse shut.

He has found my razor. You know those cutesy girly ones with the moisturising soap strip that you sing along with Jewel while lovingly tending to your hairy bits? Yeah, well now it is naked. Hope the moisturising strip was tasty Boo, now I am gunna have to wear pants till I can get another one.

My hairbrush is snapped in half and there is toilet paper draped over the mirrors.

Will the horror never end?

Sadly no.

I chuck some clothes on and go and check Boo outside. He is using various plates as Frisbees.

‘Play with me Mummy!’ he squeals, delighted to see me out of bed.

He is covered in mud. His innocent smile radiates under the smudges of mud all over his face (Please God let it be mud!) his pj top is splattered with what looks like tomato sauce. *sniff* yeah it’s sauce, not blood….

‘Play with me Mummy’ he repeats, handing me a plate, his huge brown eyes smiling up at me with affection.

‘Boo, Mummy needs a coffee first’ and some sort of medication.

‘OK, then we play frizbee’

I drag myself inside, head down so I don’t see the destruction waged by my tiny terrorist, make coffee and sit down to whinge at my computer.

Boo is outside again, digging in the mud. Remember last week when I was so excited about him actually touching the mud. Slap me will ya?

But at least I got a full night sleep.