Yesterday I had to take Moo to Centrelink. They sent me a letter saying that now she is 16 she has to apply for an allowance. Oh, and I have to prove to them that she exists. THEY sent ME a fucking letter and now I have to prove to them who she is?????

So we did everything required, birth certificate, letter from the school (which said she was born in 1999 which would make her 8. Idiots.) student ID card, 3 consecutive years of school reports, my Medicare card, my tax details for the last 2 years, my pay slips and filled the forms out online. And then printed out the other 6 freaking forms and filled them out by hand.

We get in there and stand in line. Next to a woman who hasn’t bathed this century. Then we are called up. Apparently the information I got from calling the Call Centre THREE times was wrong. Moo didn’t need to be there (and miss English and her fucking Year 11 EXAM is next week!!!!) and she didn’t need to open a bank account. TWO people on the phone told me that she had to open a bank account to prove that she existed, or have a utility bill in her name. WTF? She is 16 years old! Oh and by the freaking way, you need to fill out this form.

Hang on a second. This is the form that I spent hours filling out online and nearly killed someone in the process cause it kept throwing me out. And apparently because the stupid online form added me 6 times as the contact for Moo, I need to fill out 6 extra forms……

So with gritted teeth and mumbling expletives (not to the chick on the counter, I know it is not her fault) I filled out the fucking forms again.

Then we sat and waited. Weirdly, we were the only ones in the waiting area. Then a couple walked in. The woman huge, with bleach blonde hair and black roots. Huge shapeless stained shirt and a fag behind her ear. The guy, 2 inches shorter, no shoes, tight black jeans covered in cat hair.

Moo looked at me, I looked at Moo. The woman sat right next to me. Chairs empty everywhere. She sat down next to me. The stench was unbearable. And the fucker was breathing through her mouth so the rotting contents of her bowel was assaulting my nostrils along with her body odour.

We finally got out of there. Drove Moo to school and then I took my Dad shopping.

He went to the hardware shop. I went clothes shopping. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I let a tiny little girl serve me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She kept giving me stuff that was too small or stretched so tightly across my breasticles I looked like a hooker. I bought something just to stop her from coming into the change room all the freaking time. Now I have to take it back, cause I am never going to wear a skin tight lime green tshirt.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We decided to have lunch in the food court. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I had Indian. From. A. Food. Court. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am sitting here with a bucket beside me. Stupid, stupid girl.

And I am shitting through the eye of a needle…..

I need coffee. DH used the last of it this morning. And didn’t tell me. Asshole.

Now, do I risk running to the shop to get some more? Should I wear a nappy like that astronaut chick?

Now my stomach is doing that gurgling thing again…….

Oh, man, this sucks.

And Boo found my toothbrush again…….

Furry, vomit covered teeth.  Burning ring of fire.  Caffeine withdrawals. And I am ovulating so zit the size of a planet on my chin……

This week I have learnt a lot of things.

I have learnt (from Erin!) that the more water you drink the more your stuffed up nose will run…… down the back of your throat causing spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am. Causing you to vomit in the hallway.

I have learnt that said spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am do not wake my snoring husband. Even when I purposely do it 2 inches away from his ear.

I have learnt that said SCCA@3am causing vomit covered hallways need to be cleaned up by said vomiter. BUT only if your names starts with K and you are the mother.

I have learnt that KFC takes longer than 8 hours to digest. Ew!

I have learnt that toilet paper really is better for blowing your nose. No peeling nose for me! Thankyou near poverty for being able to afford toilet paper or tissues. Not both.

I have learnt I am easily pleased. Ecstatic actually. When DH brought home the new coffee maker yesterday by whole body shuddered with pleasure.

I have learnt that I am a much nicer person with coffee. LOTS of coffee.

I have learnt that if you stuff the Eye Toy camera in your mouth you can actually see your tonsils on the screen! Source: Watching Boo through the family room window.

I have learnt that I hate the Teletubbies. Well I have always hated the Teletubbies, but I especially hate them when 1. they are lined up on my kitchen bench while I am trying to cook, mocking me and 2. when they join their partner in crime, Boo, in scaring the bejesus out of me in the middle of the night, sneaking up on me to yell ‘Kill Kill Kill’ while I am in a SCCA.

I have learnt that I NEED coffee. Really. Oh sweet nectar of the Gods….

I have learnt that I have some wonderful caring friends both in real life and on the internet. Thankyou. You are my life line.

I have learnt that the very idea of DH going back to work gets me rather, ahem, um, excited. He starts MONDAY!!!!!!

I have learnt coffee soothes the savage mummy. (See a theme here?)

I have learnt that my workmate A is truly mad. Certifiable. And that is why I love her. She is currently putting in a tender to get a used Army tank. For her front yard. And she has a dead cat in her freezer. Apparently for DNA evidence if the police ever take her complaint seriously. Yes, mad as a cut snake, but wonderful. She took pity on me yesterday and went out and bought me a coffee.

I have learnt that my kids are wonderful. I have always known that, but I need to put something in here about ’em!

I have learnt that waking up in the morning and finding comments on my blog makes my day that little bit brighter, even if I have to go to work.

And lastly, I have learnt that shoes really do make me happy. Especially my sexy knee high red ones 🙂

Sorry, had to dig myself out of the mountains of tissues and snot and self pity. Dragged my sorry arse out of bed this morning at 6am after hacking up a lung half the night. In at work at 7am to catch up on some work that was desperately behind and my bosses boss was screaming for me to finish. Got everything I needed to get done in 6 hours and then came home. But maybe if I had this:

I could have saved some time and made it home earlier.

Anyway. The good news.

Firstly, Moo had a wonderful time at camp, not that you could really call it a camp. They went to the city for 4 days and shopped. A few other things were chucked in, but primarily it was about the shopping. It was good practice for the boys. They got to hold the girls bags and sit in the corner forlornly while the girls giggled and tried clothes on. Get used to it guys! Felt for the teachers though. 80 kids, aged 15-17.

But the best part is Moo bought me a present.

RED HEELS!!! The girls got taste. I love them!

And secondly. The big news in this household this week…… Drumroll please……

DH got offered a job. They called him! He hasn’t even finished his Cert IV yet. It is just casual, but that means that he can ease himself back into the workforce and still finish his course. That, on top of the semi regular DJ work he has been getting we might even get ahead!

It took a good 2 days for it to really sink in. It really might be over. The last 2 – 3 years have been so HARD. Every now and then I would look at DH and wouldn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I would just mouth ‘a job in IT’ and he would laugh and I would cough up a lung.

Things could just be looking up. Oh please, let it be true.

Still sick and finding it hard to remember to breathe, let alone make a blog post. Those that have sent me emails via the ‘wanna complain or send me some lovin’ button asking questions or for information, my brain is having technical difficulties and is down for maintenance. Your email has been placed in a queue and will be answered by the first available brain cell.

I have spent a productive morning staring at the TV. Might even turn it on.

Trying to reserve my energy to take the wildcat AKA Boo to a birthday party this afternoon at the local gymnastics club. He is truly freaky today cycling through the Black Eyed Peas album and generally causing mayhem. Right now I don’t care. The toothpaste is hidden and he has already done a huge dump in the toilet – smelt like corn chips and was full of black foam from the mousemat he ate on Thursday. But at least it is not on the walls…….

Right now he is teaching himself how to speak Portuguese. Okaaay. Last month he wanted to learn to speak Arabic. Would be better if he could master conversational English though.

Got some news, great news, but will wait till I am feeling a little more human before I share. Need to be able to string a few words together first.

And yeah, it’s the flu. Third time in as many months. Apparently there are several strains. I am aiming to collect them all.

Well I did say I needed to take up a hobby.

I’ve gone all pathetically Cindy Brady and I am thick (and if you are truly thick, I mean I am speaking with a pathetic lisp therefore ‘s’ is ‘th’ and if you still don’t get it forget about it)

This could probably explain the truly freaky comments I have been leaving on other peoples blogs. I am seriously considering googling ‘How to kill John Howard or George Bush, either it doesn’t matter’ or ‘anarchists cookbook’ to see if any men in dark sunnies knock on my (still) shit covered door. Really need to do something about that. The shit, not the men. But if they are good looking enough……. mmmmm

My head is pounding and every time I blow my nose a little squeak comes from the depths of my sinus’. Hey, it happens when I open my mouth real wide too! Better not do that too often or the Men In Black Sunnies might spy me through the window.

I have had a busy day and a restless night and the little horror child slept right through! He told me when I picked him up from school that he was going to get up at 2am. Last time he said that he must have set his internal devil timer cause he did. If he does as he threatens then expect me to be trawling the blogosphere making weird and inappropriate comments on your blogs.

You have been warned.

Too is at a just-a-friend-that-happens-to-be-a-boy ‘s house. A boy that happens to be madly in love with her, LOL. Having dinner and making their costumes for tomorrow night. You will have to wait till tomorrow to hear about the costumes. Ahem, Wow is all I can say. Oh and Too you are such a geek but I still love ya.

Moo is still at school camp and Boo is well, doing what Boo does best and being a wonderful good QUIET little polite man. *gaffaw* I am so sick I am becoming delirious…

If anyone wants me tonight I will be trawling the Bloggers Choice awards website, found some really entertaining ones today. A couple may even make it to my Latte reading material list! I added a new one today, and have noticed that Mattress Police doesn’t seem to be on the list of best humour blogs. I would nominate Diesel myself but because I am not stunningly beautiful (more like a hobbit really – Hey Grundir the Implacable I just googled you and no reference to Lord of the Rings. Now I am truly confused……) I don’t think he would appreciate it.

Oh and most important of all…..

Apparently today is ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’

Aaarrrr me hearties.