Today I unearthed 17 boxes of Christmas decorations from the pits of hell the garage, lost a child, tried to saw the end off a Christmas tree with a butter knife stupid freaking blunt hand saw, found said child and kicked her arse gave her a stern talking to and then kicked her arse, revealed my bloggyness to a friend I can physically fondle touch, supervised the shaving off of the porn Mo, cursed Blogger a million times for changing the commenting procedures, got my first weird search engine referral,

and generally lost my freaking mind.

And all the while Boo kept repeating:

“I feel cranky and pubescent today and I dont know why! GRRRRR I am gunna take it out on people I like.”

Yeah fab.  Just the sorta thing to get me in the Christmas mood.

I woke Mario-porn-star (fucker still had the Mo goin’ on, must of slipped some Mogadon in my water last night cause I passed out before midnight and missed my opportunity to cause him a world-o-pain with the Epilady.) and promised him lovin’ if he went out RIGHT now to get a Christmas tree.  Never seen the Asshat move so fast!

Now we all remember the promise of a new coffee machine don’t we?  Yeah, so do I *snigger*

I can just bring that up when he tries to get payment now.  Bwaaaa haaa haaa!

The house smells like Christmas with the beautiful tree!

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Yes, I know it is on a freaking lean.  Bastard fought me all the way into the house and was lucky I didn’t kick the fucking thing down after some loose leaves (? leaves? spines?  freaking SPIKES?) fell down the back of my shirt and I thought it was a *shudder* spider and started jumping around screaming and the boy and bunny rolled their eyes.  They are still judging me.

Don’t have a photo of the bathroom tree yet.  Yes, I have a bathroom tree.  Don’t you start judging….

Decorating will happen tomorrow when the branches get a chance to settle.  And it is MY tree.  No sticky little shit-and-toothpaste-covered nor Emo oh-my-world-sucks-cause-Mum-cracked-at-me-for-being-a-thoughtless-little-biatch fingers are touching my tree.  They can do one of the other six.

Yeah six.  There you go with the judging again…..

And here is the photo you have all been waiting for…. the end of the road for Mario-porn-star.

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Isn’t that much better?  You can even see his cute widdle dimple in his cheek now.

Oh, I almost forgot.  The weird search engine referral?

“him in the balls”

*snort*

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Shit that was a hard post!  Knowing that one of my besties is reading it made it really weird.

And don’t forget to get in on the action of naming Mario-porn-star, and read the comments so far they are HILARIOUS!!!!

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I am debating on a new name for my husband.

DH is just not cutting it any more. Not since Mario-porn-star. THAT name suited him.

But once he shaves off that Mo. Won’t really ‘go’.

He wants to be known as Sex God. SG for short. Methinks Stupid Git is more appropriate.

Or Wog Boy. That is certainly descriptive.

Here is the final photo of the monstrosity.

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Rather pathetic really, for a whole months growth. His chest hair is thicker….

So my lovely internets again I am coming to you to name another family member.

I guess you want a little something for your trouble. How about when I amend ‘The Magnetobold Family” page at the top there to update DH/Mario-porn-star’s details, your name and permanent link to your blog. That page gets around 5 or so views a day so that is a lot of lovin’ right there.

OK, let the madness begin. I will keep comments and nominations open till Monday evening.

And I am waking him at midnight (cause you know I will still be up, sigh) and shaving the bastard off.  He can choose to co-operate or not.  I have my girlfriends Epi-lady here, and we know that hurts like fuck.  Hmmmm, could be rather entertaining……

Moo and Too are staying at my parents.

Boo has been sleeping through the night.

He is tired.

There is wine.

Bugger Movember.

Mummy needs a new coffee machine.

*snigger*

Today it is cool. I am sitting here in long pants. Had to close the windows cause I was getting chilly. The last 3 days are a hazy blur of sweaty breasticles, whinging and cold showers.

Now I am happy.

The kids had the day off today due to the teachers strike and spent the day complaining and asking for food and wanting attention and shit…….

But I was wearing jeans and was coooooool.

I had a support group meeting that I had to go to because 12 new families were coming and not one fucker turned up………

But my breasts were dry.

3 new adults with Aspergers turned up and got all shitty cause I couldn’t help them. I explained that I am just a mum of a 9 year old so have no experience with adult issues. But they went on and on and on…

But because it was cool I ordered a hot sticky date pudding and a bucket of latte. Yum

Boo was downloading a bazillion things on Youtube and sucking up all the bandwidth so I couldn’t get on the rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch internet……..

So I went and put on some socks cause my feet were COLD!

Too is going to Spam-a-lot on the weekend and has been dancing around the house teasing me incessantly.  Apparently the little biatch will be in the second row centre. And I get to spend the weekend with my rellies. The ones that think that Boo is Artistic and like fucking Rainman. ‘Drop the matches cause I know he can count them!’ Asshats.

But it is going to be in the low 20’s and I can wear fab shoes and just stare at them all day.

I was finally the good daughter today and went to see my parents new McMansion. Yeah it is nice and so is the fucking central airconditioning that they got installed today.

But I was gracious and gushing cause my body wasn’t screaming for a shower.

Got the freaking huge list of things I need to do in preparation for my fathers 60th on Saturday and my brother, the golden child, will just swan in with the new girlfriend, suck up all the attention from the fawning parental with no fucking gift while I do all the prep and clean up……

But my lovely internets were here helping and advising me on all things bloggy. And made me feel loved, not like the woman that gave birth to me and didn’t care when I got hit by a fucking CAR!     yes I am still going on and on and on about that. Sorry.

Yesterday I was standing with my skirt over the airconditioner vent, tonight the central heating has turned itself on. It was set to only turn on when the temp drops under 10 degrees C! (50F)

So tonight I am sitting here begging the boy to sleep in a nice cool room. With socks on. I will go to bed and wrap myself up in the doona and snuggle to sleep.

But not with this man.

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Oh no, the man now known as Mario-porn-star is still a nookie free zone. Been a long dry month for a porn star wanna be (well except for this one time…. at band camp when we both had the day off and the kids were at school….. cause when does THAT ever happen?) and he thought thinning the smudge out a bit a la Dick Dastardly would bring a bit of the action.

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Nup.

*singing* I am strong. STRONG.

I am invincible. INVINCIBLE!

I am STUBBORN!!!!!!!

9 more days…………

A common phrase in this household is:

‘you are going to blog about this aren’t you’

my response ‘I fair am.’

Everything and everyone is fair game.

Once on a blog someone mentioned that if a man is right handed his left testicle will hang lower. And vice versa. Apparently there was a study or something (methinks high school boys?)

So I went in to DH. He was asleep.

I lifted up the bed covers to look.

‘Whaaaat?’ came the mumbled sleep filled voice from the bed. Asshat went to bed while I was up with the little turd bouncing off the walls.

‘Which hangs lower, left or right? C’mon inquiring minds wanna know!’

A cloud came across his face. ‘Your blogging about this aren’t you?’

I hightailed it outta there.

The next morning while he was doing his manly duties, making me a bucket-o’-latte, he called me into the kitchen.

‘You know that question you asked me last night?’

I stepped carefully out of reach…

‘Yeeeeesssss?’ I cagily replied

‘Well tell them no. I am right handed and the left is higher’

Cool. Excuse me while I go and update……

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Speaking of blog fodder and DH.  Here is the latest MoFoTo.

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Edwardo the pool boy has no fear of losing his job.  Nor the pizza delivery guy.

It is less waaa waka waa waa, more waaaat the fuck were you thinking Mario. mario.jpeg

here are my new shoes

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You must realise the trauma I am going through to post this.  DH and Boo have got grumbly tummies and there is a permanent green haze enveloping the house.  I have ventured inside from my hidey hole outside to post this for you all, my lovelies.

DH took the photo this morning just before I left for work.

DH ‘What is the photo for’

Me ‘Stop grumbling and take the freaking photo, or I will do it myself’

DH ‘If I angle this camera right, I can see right up your skirt’

Me ‘Not in Movember, buddy’

DH eyeing me warily ‘Do any men read your blog?’

Me ‘What?  Nah, it’s just about housework and cooking and shit.  Nothing guys would be interested in.  Only women blog.  It’s so not a guy thing’

DH ‘So why do you care that you think your ankles look fat in the photo?’

Me ‘Cause women are biatches and I gotta keep the lesbians happy’

DH with a glint in his eye ‘Lesbians?  Did you say lesbians?’

Me ‘Fuck off idiot.  It aint never EVER gunna happen, now give me that camera before you end up with a stiletto in the forehead’

Movember is moving along and the growth on DH’s face is slowly progressing from dirty smudge to what-is-that-on-your-upper-lip.

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And the great No-Sex-For-You-Come-Back-One-Month continues…….

And now he has to wear a silly hat to work on Wednesday to raise money for some other cause.

And he can wear the bloody thing on the bus. That’ll teach him to total his freaking car and then let it rust in the yard cause he couldn’t be bothered doing anything about it. Asshat.

Ooooh, that’s an idea. An asshat.

Better get the craft box out.