My girlfriend sent me this. Apparently they are called Bikini jeans and they are big in China….

I have no words.

china.jpg

I have one question though….

boots or kitten heels?

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What did you say that for?

I panicked.

Does the fact that Monty Python sketches keep running through my head, every time a news flash comes on the TV mentioning what is happening in Burma, make me a bad person?

According to DH (the negative form) abso-freaking-lutely.

Now for my penance I will read everything that I can about what is happening and try to get the Python guys out of my head…..

My nipples explode with delight.

Shit.

while hacking up a lung (yeah still!!!)

Verycontrary posted about Chuck Norris and pointed to this site. On long car trips the Magnetobold family have been known to spend hours reveling in Chucks Norrisness (Or listening to Wham! if the kids are pissing me off and I want payback). I admit I have never seen one of his movies, and honestly never care to, but hey, gotta love someone who has this said about him:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Bwwaaaaa haaa haaaa!

And in the Oh. My. God. vein, don’t let small children see this when you open it unless you want to spend even more money on feminine hygiene products. (and donate even more GST to little Johnny for your luxury item).

Moo wants to make me the earrings.

I would like to thank White Trash Mom, my new superhero, for pointing me to our latest school holiday craft activity.

This week I have learnt a lot of things.

I have learnt (from Erin!) that the more water you drink the more your stuffed up nose will run…… down the back of your throat causing spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am. Causing you to vomit in the hallway.

I have learnt that said spazzaming choking coughing attacks at 3am do not wake my snoring husband. Even when I purposely do it 2 inches away from his ear.

I have learnt that said SCCA@3am causing vomit covered hallways need to be cleaned up by said vomiter. BUT only if your names starts with K and you are the mother.

I have learnt that KFC takes longer than 8 hours to digest. Ew!

I have learnt that toilet paper really is better for blowing your nose. No peeling nose for me! Thankyou near poverty for being able to afford toilet paper or tissues. Not both.

I have learnt I am easily pleased. Ecstatic actually. When DH brought home the new coffee maker yesterday by whole body shuddered with pleasure.

I have learnt that I am a much nicer person with coffee. LOTS of coffee.

I have learnt that if you stuff the Eye Toy camera in your mouth you can actually see your tonsils on the screen! Source: Watching Boo through the family room window.

I have learnt that I hate the Teletubbies. Well I have always hated the Teletubbies, but I especially hate them when 1. they are lined up on my kitchen bench while I am trying to cook, mocking me and 2. when they join their partner in crime, Boo, in scaring the bejesus out of me in the middle of the night, sneaking up on me to yell ‘Kill Kill Kill’ while I am in a SCCA.

I have learnt that I NEED coffee. Really. Oh sweet nectar of the Gods….

I have learnt that I have some wonderful caring friends both in real life and on the internet. Thankyou. You are my life line.

I have learnt that the very idea of DH going back to work gets me rather, ahem, um, excited. He starts MONDAY!!!!!!

I have learnt coffee soothes the savage mummy. (See a theme here?)

I have learnt that my workmate A is truly mad. Certifiable. And that is why I love her. She is currently putting in a tender to get a used Army tank. For her front yard. And she has a dead cat in her freezer. Apparently for DNA evidence if the police ever take her complaint seriously. Yes, mad as a cut snake, but wonderful. She took pity on me yesterday and went out and bought me a coffee.

I have learnt that my kids are wonderful. I have always known that, but I need to put something in here about ’em!

I have learnt that waking up in the morning and finding comments on my blog makes my day that little bit brighter, even if I have to go to work.

And lastly, I have learnt that shoes really do make me happy. Especially my sexy knee high red ones 🙂

I have mentioned before about my neighbours. Here is a little highlight of the ones that acknowledge me. The others never seem to be home….. or they are hiding.

Next door right: Wave hello as driving away. He likes to rev up hotted up cars at all hours of the day or night. They got married recently and the wedding car was a ute. Noice.

Oh and I accidentally called the wife a ‘biatch’ really really loudly. See this post for the full details.

Across the road: Set up lawn chairs in their driveway whenever we have a kids party or sleepover. Lawn chairs and a table when we moved in. Always seem to need to check their letterbox, weed the garden, pick up a twig/leaf from the lawn when we are greeting or saying goodbye to visitors. Yes we have a lot of visitors. But they stay waaaaaay too long for this to be a crack house.

Next door left: Weeded his garden for 2 straight days while we were moving in. Haven’t seen him since. Heart attack while watching cable? The mail isn’t piling up so probably just scared of us. I would be.

Dear neighbours,

I feel that we haven’t had the chance to get to know each other. If this was suburban America a la every-freaking-sitcom-drama-we-see someone would have baked some muffins for us by now. We have been here for a year, you don’t have to grow the wheat and stone grind it yourself, a packet mix will suffice.

We are a noisy family. Not as noisy as SOME, but we produce our fair share. Most of the noise is screaming from our son. You know him. The kid that did all those nudie runs before we plugged the hole in the fence? Oh and the kid that laid spread eagled in your driveway, Mr Revhead, wearing nothing but a tshirt and a vacant smile. Spongebob Squarepants was the song of choice that day, in case you were wondering. Well he has Autism and that is just part and parcel of who he is. He is almost 9 so his voice should break in a couple of years so the squeal won’t be so high pitched and frighten the dogs. Something to look forward to huh?

We have some weird and wonderful equipment in our backyard. There is no need to fret about our property backing on to a childcare centre, the equipment is actually doctor approved therapy equipment for the Sponge bob singing, dirt angel in the driveway making, nudist you met earlier. Not anything to do with S&M. Honest. Oh and sorry to the kid that was playing on the platform swing when we weren’t home and left their polly pocket on the ground. It kinda slipped out of my hand and I accidentally smashed it to pieces and then it fell in the garbage bin. I am amazed how you managed to scale the kid proof fence or actually OPEN THE CHILD LOCK. Pure child genius. Tell mummy and daddy to get you tested for Mensa.

We do have quite a few visitors. Actually you are lucky we didn’t live here when our youngest was still in intensive one on one therapy! Wow, we had a shit load of visitors then! I just want to ease your worry and let you know that we don’t sell crack or wacky tobakky or GOD FORBID, Amway……

Mr Stand-in-your-driveway-smoking-all-the-day-and-night,

My daughter is a pretty girl. So are her friends. YOU are a man in his forties living with his parents. Stop. Oh and while we are on the subject, I don’t need an audience – yes I can see you behind the bushes – while I am weeding the garden. It is getting quite feral out there, so here is your warning, I will be out there again soon. You need to be somewhere else, capisce?

We are good people. A mum, dad, 2 teenage girls and a highly individual boy.

You would like us if you gave us half a chance. Lots of people do, hence the many cars coming in and out of our driveway. How about we have a BBQ some time. No pressure. Just a simple Hello Kelley when I pass you next will be affirmation enough for me.

Kindest regards,

Kelley at number X

On second thoughts I might just start with a Christmas Card in Decemeber.

Whatcha think?

Ok, I am on day 4 of no coffee machine and day 3 of going out and buying one like the bad little frugalista that I am.

No coffee and complex tasks like, oh breathing = Kelley is not a happy girly.

So in order to cope I am playing a little game. Play along with me, it’s called Positive Spin. No matter what happens in the day you need to find a little ray of sunshine…..

Lets see right now……

Boo is screaming at the top of his lungs ‘Give me your wallet’ and ‘Happy Holidays everybody!’ – wallet cause he wants to cut up the $20 note and change the dollar amounts on the others, Happy Holidays, yeah, I dunno, makes sense on Planet Boo. Major meltdown is ensuing (45 minutes and counting) and I am trying to ignore the blood that is pouring out of my ears….

Positive spin – deep ear canal clean. He might wear himself out and go to sleep early tonight!

See how easy it is?

OK, here are some others from today.

Up all night with a head cold.

Positive spin – Didn’t have to do the mind numbing training at work today cause I ‘couldn’t ensure that I would absorb all the information required’ he he he

Double Positive spin – Chairing support group meeting tomorrow (yawn. Lots of people whinging and kvetching and wanting me to do everything for them but wipe their arses. I already have a master to wipe thankyouverymuch!) and can leave early cause I am ‘not well’ or if that doesn’t work sneeze all over everyone’s coffee…… COFFEE! The Positive spin trifecta! God Bless you S for giving me this life saving cold!

Smashed another 3 nails while trying to open Boo’s bedroom window balancing on one foot (wearing knee high heeled boots) leaning around the McDonalds playcentre and trying not to fall. Boo’s dream is to work in the drive thru at McDonalds or be a taxi driver at the moment.

Positive spin – less nail polish needed therefore being frugal. Grasping at straws here I know 🙂

Freaking out cause I let Too walk home on her own today and the silly bint didn’t take her phone with her and she STILL isn’t home.

Positive spin – didn’t have to try and wrestle the screaming wildcat (aka Boo) into the car and God forbid, put a seat belt on. Racing heart from panic should be burning off some of the calories from my coffee replacement addiction, Clinkers. Go green ones!!!!! (she is finally home now, forgot she was walking home….. has been begging me for MONTHS to do it, sigh)

DS playing ‘Popcorn’ by the crazy frog on loop

Positive spin – he is no longer screaming

4 and a half hours to write one blog post when usually I just brain dump in 60 seconds

Positive spin – I could update that the screaming had stopped and the music that is now eating through my skull.

Toothpaste mural in the bathroom x2 today

Positive spin – at least it is not poo. Lets ponder that for a moment……. Yes I am liking that it is not poo.

One thing that doesn’t need a postive spin. Found a voucher for my favourite shoe shop (having previously blogged ad naseum) sale! Whoo Hooo!

Mummy is going shoe shopping…….

Doing my usual blog surfing and while at the fantastic support forums for WordPress I stumbled across Raincoasters blog. Cracking up at various posts, especially this:

”Save the vowels

The original credit must go to Cat carocat at where the revolution started. Just popped over to her blog and found out we had something in common. We both had/have cats name Pheobe. My brother just didn’t ‘get’ the name (he wanted to call her zap, or Dim Sim) so he called her ‘pee-o-bee’ or ‘stupid-name-my-sister-gave-you-cat’.

Shit. Boo is doin’ a Mama Cass and choking on a ham sandwich. Better go and do something ’bout that….

I just vacuumed the floor and he is making a mess.