Yeah, apparently YESTERDAY was delurker day. No bastard told ME though….

So all my fav US blogs are proudly displaying this badge:

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Oh how I loves me some flashing cartoon guy.

And saying nice things to their peeps to get them to come out of lurkdom and say howdy.

Well you know I don’t work like that.

You know I have a mean streak. Especially when we are on day 450 of 40C temps and my breasticles are melting. Even with ice cubes in my bra.

And the fucking nits are back.

And it is killing me to drink my stinking hot latte, but I do it anyway cause it is my crack.

And Boo is screaming at the dishwasher cause MPS forgot to put it on last night and I HAVE to put those freaking Christmas plates away. Even though I love them so…. and I don’t do handwashing.

And from my position on top of the airconditioner with the laptop and said steaming hot cup-o-joe I can see Boo emptying the drawers in the kitchen, the hole he has ripped in the carpet (!!!) and ants trying to find a way in through the window. Oh and now he is coming at me with a staysharp knife saying ‘Mummy open this!’ I can’t see anything but the cool steel blade.

Hmm, it looks cool. Maybe if I rest my face against it….

Oh yes my lovelies, I have lost it. Big time.

So come out of lurkdom. Say hello. Or get the fuck away from that knife. Or make sure someone takes photos. Or something.

See if we can make this blog explode.

And if you don’t? I won’t tell you where I am moving to.

Cause I am that much of a biatch.

************

Edited to add: Thanks to Veronica for the updated badge. Smootches.

BooYah!

Last night I had 8 hours and 20 minutes sleep. I am physically swooning at the thought of it.

That’s FIVE HUNDRED minutes sleep.

*swoon*

MPS ended up sitting with Boo for me. Got him in his bed at 9pm.

The kid was asleep by 9.15pm.

Bastard.

I asked MPS if he farted in there, therefore knocking the kid out in a stench induced coma.

MPS hypothesizes that perhaps he is just boring.

I concur.

I went to work with a bounce in my fabulous shoe’d step.

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With time enough this morning to paint my toenails a pretty shade of pink!

Now for the apologies. I have memes and awards backed up here. Gunna need some hospital grade enemas to clear them methinks. But I know there are more.

Remember the other day when I was whinging about Firefox and deleting my post? Well half of those zillions of windows I had open were memes to ‘remind’ me to do them.

So of course they are gone. *sob* GONE!

So please, if you tagged me for a meme or gave me an award in the last couple of months let me know in the comments here and I will do them, with flair and venom as is my style, and give you your linky lovin’.

Cause we all lurve our linky lovin’.

And speaking of linky lovin’ thanks to the awesome Stimey, I pink puffy heart her even before she nominated me for a Bloggie for Best Australian Blogger. Thanks Stimey, I ❤ you too!

Now off to visit all your blogs, well, those of you that comment, wink, wink, say no more. Cause over the last few days I haven’t had two brain cells to rub together and you all deserve better than that.

I am a stupid bint.

And it is MPS’s fault. Cause nothing is ever my fault. ‘Bout time he learned that.

So after a large ARRRGGGHHHH and a slap around the head for MPS, I am here to whine tell you what happened.

Yesterday it was hot. You know the drill, bad tempered Kelley, sweaty breasticles, hogging standing in front of the airconditioner with my skirt over the vent, kinda day.

And precious little sleep this YEAR. (sounds so much more dramatic than the last few nights doesn’t it) cause of the tiny terrorist and his stealth Ninja moves.

Moo and I were slapping each other in frustration working on a little project and I was over playing at Aussie Bloggers. There was a thread about web safe colour tools or somesuch, click here to see it, and Moo and MPS were SQUEEing all over the shop at the thought. Especially the Firefox extension Colorzilla.

So being the wonderful person and kind mother that I am, (lets not mention the fact that I wanted it for what I was doing OK? Lets concentrate on my wonderfulness and selflessness as a wife and mother cause then I can blame my family for this sad little tale) I downloaded it for them.

But I needed to restart Firefox to install it.

Now my Firefox apparently has a little bug in it. That MPS keeps saying he will fix. When I quit and then restore session it opens every-freaking-window that I opened in the last whatever. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It can open things that were closed days ago. Or not. Who knows. Like a Firefox lucky dip. But it also opens every window 2-4 times. Lucky Dip again.

Now before anyone starts berating me. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have 4 windows open with 8 tabs each. I know I should be more organised and not leave so much shit open. So shut up. It is not my fault. See the second sentence of this post.

So I restart Firefox and go on my merry way. Delete the duplicate tabs.

Delete the draft version of Bugs, Injuries and Doctors Appointments.

No idea why that fucker was open. It was the draft without the pretty pictures.

Before I hit delete I thought, hang on, might just delete the content cause I am totally computer stupid and don’t know if I delete the draft if it would affect the completed version….

Hmmmm.

I continue my evening. Finally fall into bed around 2am.

This morning I log on. Moderate the newbie comments (thanks for commenting! I big pink puffy heart you all!!) and then think, hmmmm I wonder how many comments that last post has? I hardly ever look at the actual blog, except to swoon over that pretty pink button and the Blogger Choice award buttons ;), so I have a wander around.

What the FUCK?

Where is the post about the nits, swing collapsing on Boo (and by the way, poor little mite has a huge bruise across his shoulder blades. Dodged a bullet there my lovelies. If it had fallen on his neck, or his face, I honestly don’t think he would still be here….) etc etc etc.?

IT. IS. GONE.

I deleted it.

Stupid bint.

I mean MPS is a bastard. And my neighbours asshats. And that guy walking along the street out the front. And my 3rd grade teacher. And Osama Bin Laden.

And it is EVERYONE else’s fault. And I hate them all.

Oh, but not you my lovelies. I ❤ all of you of course……

And of course I don’t have a copy of it. And of course I have no idea what I wrote cause it was just a brain dump. And of course I am mightily peeved cause, well, it makes my blog look messy.

And I hate messy.

So the lesson? Whip MPS’s arse till he fixes the fucking thing. Never EVER delete anything to do with my blog. And take some time to learn what I am freaking doing.

Anyone know of a WordPress for Dummies?

Two very exciting things have happened today. And I am jumping out of my skin with excitement!

Firstly. I was wiping Boo’s arse earlier and noticed that he had his first solid bowel movement EVA! Boo has been gluten free since ‘toddler diarrhoea’ didn’t clear up by the time he was four. We started a half arsed *snort* gluten challenge but over the last couple of days he has been eating hot dog rolls till they have been coming out the wazoo. And solid!

Oh. My. Freaking GOD!!! I am so excited I could just, well, share my sons toilet habits with the internets. I am just bouncing people. Looked just like the Mr Hanky I packed away with the Christmas decos.

I swear it freaking winked at me and said BoooYaah!!!

I resisted the urge to take a photo for you all. I concede that some may not be as enamored by my sons fecal floaties.

And the second thing. Well I am sure I will be forgiven for announcing this after a good bowel movement, but today sees the launch of the newest most exciting Aussie Blogging forum in the world! It was supposed to be a secret till tomorrow. I was planning on having a play and wielding my magic moderating powers without an audience. I was going to do a vague post and keep you guessing and begging and sending me shoes to get me to tell, but then Meg, Snoskred and Andrew let the cat out of the proverbial Gucci puppy carrier.

The Aussie Bloggers Community project is born! Here is the link to the forum. We are all having fun in there right now and literally hundreds of people have visited since the unofficial launch at 6pm.

Meg has done all the hard work with the linking and stuff so pop over there to read all about it:

Dipping in the blogpond

Or just click on all three of their names and read what they have to say, oh and subscribe to their feeds. You will thank me! (Don’t forget to subscribe to mine too! Bwaaa haaa haaa!)

And then get your arses over to the forums! Oh and my lovely overseas friends, it’s not just for Aussie sheilas and blokes 🙂

Just don’t forget to come back ya hear?

Well, well, well….. Looks like I definitely still have my moderators hat on cause there was not a fuck, shit, biatch in sight. Must be mellowing in my old age. Probably something to do with that red shit on my leg. That apparently no one but me can see…..

I am over guest posting at Snoskred’s today.

A post inspired by bone tiredness, too much wine and spending the day with my awesome Daddy.

No swearing in sight.  Really freaking hard, especially after the last couple of days.

If you want me to come and mess up your blog, offend your readers or do a shoe parade, just click on the ‘Talk to me’ button up the top there and let me know where and when.

Just remember the coffee.  Skinny latte with a extra shot.

Well it is Christmas Eve.

The kids are playing on the playstation.  Little do they know that the poor ol’ PS2 will be relagated to the scrap heap tomorrow with the arrival of the Wii and shiny new computers.

The cubby is here.  After a concerted effort by MPS  and on the threat of bringing Boo to their homes on Christmas morning, the rest of the cubby arrived at 4pm.

With no instructions.  No diagrams.  No fucking clue what to do.  Oh, and we have to pre-drill our own holes and cut the wood to size.  A ‘kit’ my fucking arse.  Once we get our legal advice I will let you know the name of the company to never ever deal with.

When it arrived in a huge truck, Boo ran outside excitedly exclaiming ‘My Hyperdash is here!’.

The Hyperdash is indeed here, thanks to all my wonderful lovelies that went looking and Boneblower who got her inlaws to drop it off on their way through our town.  Smootches.

But the fat bloke will get the glory.  Bastard.

Boo is watching Shrek the halls.

MPS is playing on his computer.

Amy is screaming around her pen like a bunny possessed.  Probably excited knowing that Santa will fill her stocking with yummy treats.

Everything I ordered turned up today.  Including the awesome photo book I won from Click on print.

I got the most gorgeous gift in the mail from one of my fabulous internet buddies, covered in paper with <3’s all over it.  Shoe shaped chocolates and a shoe for everyday desk calendar that will take pride of place on my desk at work.  Thankyou C.  Smootches babe.

We are about to sit down and watch the Carols while drinking eggnog.  And then Santa will get down to business.

I want to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka,  a wonderful Ramadan, fabulous Winter Solstice, a fantastic Kwanza and whatever else I have forgotten.

I am truly blessed to find the world of blogging and the amazing people that inhabit the blogosphere.  Every day I am entertained, informed, horrified, humbled and brought to tears, both happy and in commiseration.

Every morning I wake to comments on what I have posted, when I get home from work and other times of the day.  Comments that make me feel part of a wonderful global community.

❤ my lovelies.  I consider you all family.

Now where is my fucking present.

As I sit here with an overwhelmed, overloaded with junk food from a party where in a weak moment I threw caution (and any hope of sleep tonight) to the wind and said ‘what the hell eat what you want’, bouncing off the walls with red ears and face, farting like Satans spawn little boy I have been thinking about you all.

I have been overwhelmed by the support and love of the internets.

Everyday someone emails me saying that I put a smile on their face or a spurt of coffee on their keyboard.

Everyday someone mentions that my miserable existence brightens their day.
Everyday I feel the love of the blogosphere and I want to send you money and shoes.

But seeing I have no money and there is no way in HELL I am parting with my shoes, I thought I would give you a little something.
Consider it an early Christmas present for the wonderful people all over the world that visit my little corner of the internet and make me squeal with delight when I see your comments or mention of me on your blogs that I stalk visit.

So without further ado, I present you the Blog Bling.

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I made it all myself.

Yeah, alright. We all know how freaking clueless I am (right Veronica?;) ) so Moo did it. But it was my idea! Honest. Truly. I dragged her away from playing Sims or Quiddich World Cup or chatting up a 40 year old man in his underpants on Myspace or somesuch and made her with the threat of no Santa asked her to help me design it.

Now the explanation. When the girls and I want to express our mutual admiration in public we say ‘Less than Three’. If you look at it sideways:

It looks like a heart. So I heart you.

And I do. Every one of you. Even the hundreds of lurkers (I know you are there…. bwaaaa haaa haaa!) and if you poke out your head and leave a comment you can have one too!

So here is the list of the first ‘I less-than-three your Blog!’ recipients in absolutely NO particular order …..

Drumroll please…..

Veronica

Meg

Kim

Madmad

Lightening

Robin

Maddy

Ree

Fab

Contrary

Cellobella

Riayn

Bettina

Erin!

Lisa

VE

Stimey

Whymommy

Mystarbucks

Stella

Girl

Tiffany

Vic Jodi

Missy

Gina

kin

alyndabear

Babychaos

Once you take your button you need to do the usual crap, pass it on and link back here from whence it came so I can check up on you see how the love is traveling around the blogosphere and explain what it means for the idiots people that don’t know that expression.

Now this took me all fucking night (c’mon I had to slip it in here somewhere, I am trying to break the Guinness Book Of Records record for the pottiest mouthed Mummy on the planet) so pass it on to the blogs you deem worthy.

And if you don’t I will send that Ninja chick and her minions Stealth Ninja Moves Boy and Ninja Biatch to steal your Christmas trees.

*************

Now I don’t expect you to tag 28 people. I did 28 in honour of Boo as it is his favourite number. I also understand that a lot of people don’t do ‘buttons’ and will not want to play well that freaking sucks big fat hairy bleeding haemorroids that is OK. Just know that I lurve you!

And no sulking if I forgot you today. I will fling you some bling ASAP.

**************

edited to add:

If the link to your blog is not working, shoot me an email (‘Talk to me’ up the top there) and I will fix it. I was a bit tired last night 🙂 Veronica and Riayn, I am on it and will fix your links today sometime after I clean all the chocolate off the walls that Boo found in the middle of the night. At least it wasn’t shit and toothpaste!!!!

I am tired. We are on night 4 of the fucking stealth ninja moves (AKA Boo wandering around the house and keeping me up! Ninja day is TOMORROW Boo….. shiiiiite)

Any way. A quickie tonight, not a longie. Any one guess what movie that is paraphrased from? It is obscure, like me…. but here is a hint, it is about a vampire. The line is ‘No. With you never a quickie, always a longie.’

Yeah, I’ve had some wine. Can you tell *snigger*

I am glad that everyone else is as pissed at Blogger as I am. I have seen a few posts saying that people using other blogging platforms are just bitching because they are not getting the ‘link’. Asshats. Betcha those biatches would be the first to bitch if their pretty little avi’s disappeared…

But as a whole, there is a shit load of bloggers up in arms about this little scheme of Blogger. Meg the amazing has another post up with more information. Pop over there and have a look, oh and tell her I sent you cause then she will lurve me *smirk*

Now everyone is waiting with bated breath (WTF does that mean, you smell like fish heads? Wiggling dying worms? Ewwy. Go brush your teeth) to hear the fate of the Bathroom Tree™. Well as the inmates went all girly on me I relented and took the gorgeous tree out of the bathroom. It is now in the hall

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Isn’t it purdy? The door on the left is my room and the right is Boo’s so we get the scent of Christmas all night long. Mmmmmm

But you didn’t think I would let the bastards off that easily did you?  Scarlett needs her tree as God as her witness remember? So here is the bathroom tree.

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Fuckers have moved it over. But I got em back. Oh yes I did, dear internets. They now have the pleasure of tinkling while they tinkle. See those ‘baubles’?

They are BELLS!!! Just brush past the tree slightly and the sound of bells echoes through the house! Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaa!

Teach em to mess with me and my tree.  Now I need some wine induced sleep.

*************** 

Comments are still open to think of a new name for Mario-porn-star.  Well at least until I work out how to do a poll on this blog so you can vote properly.  Meg?  Snoskred?  Help a chick out?  Again? 

Arseholes.

I have just spent the last 2 hours visiting some of your blogs. But my speed was hindered by the fact that fucking Blogger has changed the commenting rules.

Bastards.

When I visit your blog I want you to know that it was me. Some of you know me as Kelley, some as Magnetobold. So when I go to your blog you just need to click on the name to see ‘who the fuck is Kelley?’ and realise it is that mad Magnetobold chick without the Christmas scented nether regions.

But you can’t now can you.

Cause fucking Blogger changed the rules. So I have to manually add my blog addy, instead of just typing ‘H’ and it comes up.

Rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch.

It is pissing me off no end. But there is a solution!!!! Yay for solutions!!!!

After chatting to Meg and Ree and posting to the WordPress forums I can give you Blogger bloggers a solution to stop me (and other commenters, cause they might be important to you..) getting my knickers in a knot.

Meg the amazing pointed me to this post where people were discussing the problem.

Ree uses this commenting form,

It is Haloscan. And the added bonus is commenters need to provide an email addy (like with WordPress that is never revealed to anyone but the blogger) so you can privately contact someone if need be, or if you prefer. IT ROCKS!!

So come on guys, stop Blogger from taking the option of linking to blogs that are not Blogger and also trying to get us all to register blogger blogs and check out Haloscan.

Or come over to WordPress 🙂

yeah, this thing has been holding me back.

What about BlogEveryHourWeek or HowMuchCrapCanYouTypeInOneDayMonth?

Actually today I am rather proud of myself. I didn’t have to resort to endless memes, nothing posts (well except maybe this one, but a bird was terrified by a fart, so it was something) or just linking to blogs I like. Which is what I was afraid I would do….

And looks like I must be doing something right cause today this little blog debuted in the top 200 Australian blogs! Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. Not something I was expecting after only being around just over 3 months! Pop over to Megs blog Dipping in the Blogpond to see the others. I am number 199 or something *snort*

Thankyou my lovelies, I feel special!

So now what I want you to do (besides thinking of a name for Mario-porn-star) is click on that button over there ‘add this blog to my technorati favourites’ and then go and claim your blog. Helps us both out apparently. Makes my little number go up as well as yours and you too could be dancing around the loungeroom manically squealing ‘In your face, In your face, I am a Suuuuuperstaaaaaaaar!’ or something similar while the boy and the bunny look at you like you are insane.

The boy who is nekid and fondling the next tooth he is planning to extract and the bunny who we think has Tourettes. They are judging me……

I told Mario-porn-star. He was flabbergasted that people would actually want to read my blog. Seeing it is just about cooking and housework *gaffaw*. Might actually come clean with him one day.

I told my girlfriend H.  She looked at me incredulous and said ‘You have a blog?’  Oh. Right.  I forgot.  I haven’t told anyone I know in real life about this little thing…..

So this potty mouthed, fab shoe wearing, coffee ho is a happy little chicky tonight, loving the peeps in cyberland.