I know you have been waiting for the update on last night.

I see it in my stats. Peeps popping in to see if there is an update.

Well guess what!?

Nothing happened.

The freaks didn’t show up.

Sure, they were around, hiding in their bushes and peeking out their windows, but apparently unless you are in your garden working up a sweat lady like glow, they are not interested in coming out.

Or maybe they were scared. Scared I might confront them.

I contemplated wearing gardening gloves and my garden clogs. Even bringing out the awesomely noisy hedge trimmer to try and flush out rev head man. But thought better of it.

Do I really want to speak to these people? I think not. I am not fluent in bogan nor do I know what to say to someone who’s sole purpose in life is to watch others.

Oh, there were some interesting things that happened. 3 doors down lives a chick from my work. Her son befriended Boo. I coulda diagnosed that kid in 3 seconds of meeting him, so I guess he met a kindred spirit.

Apparently there has been much discussion about how often I leave the house. I considered telling them that I was a crack delivery ho and was just waiting for the giant syringe and pipe to attach to the top of my car. Just like Dominios. But mine is Crack-n-ho’s.

But I didn’t.

I contemplated telling them that my girls are escorts and I was just the taxi.

But I didn’t.

I did ask why on earth anyone would be noticing how often I left the house.

Apparently the freakshows across the road have been keeping tabs. I was unaware that I left the house, on average, 7 times a day.

Well fuck me dead, looks like my carbon footprint aint gunna be reduced by just buying the family smaller shoes…….

There was discussion on why we have a bigger bin than everyone else.

I contemplated telling them I was sleeping with the mayor. Or was supplying him with Bindeez Beads. Or because that is where we hide the bodies.

But I told the truth. It is because Boo is still in nappies.

‘Oh,’ they said ‘OK’, read that-kid-is-worse-than-we-thought.

They all feigned ignorance when I apologised for the screaming in the middle of the night. Apparently no one hears Boo’s blood curding screams. Or his salsa music, Bohemian Rhapsody or Hi-5 all played at 3am while he is painting his walls in shit and toothpaste.

But they notice when I leave the house, they know I like to turn the music up (no where near the levels of Boo in full flight) when I am ALONE , how the fuck do they know when I am alone? Oh that is right they are fucking monitoring my every move…. and that we keep ‘late hours’.

But no-one notices when Boo screams.

Honestly, they all seemed pretty nice. But I don’t know why they are keeping tabs on me.

They should be keeping tabs on the young couple that moved in recently. She is no more than 19, Moo knows her from school, and how the hell did they afford to buy that house?

Methinks SHE is the one supplying the mayor with Bindeez Beads.