My dearest son.

My adorable little man.

Do you have a death wish? Or are you secretly plotting to have me keel over before my time due to sleep deprivation and sheer frustration?

I understand that you don’t need to sleep. I understand that your brain is wired in some fantabulous way that means that you can function with a bees dick worth of sleep and wake bouncing off the walls.

Yeah I get that.

But Mummy can’t. Sorry about that.

So when you sleep for a couple of hours a night for 3 weeks straight Mummy gets a little cranky. Mummy doesn’t want to play Hyperdash, or endless Boo-draws-a-random-shape-in-the-air-and-Mummy-has-to-guess-what-it-is-or-Boo-has-a -freaking-meltdown games. Or listen to Spongebob Squarepants, The Sweet Escape, Bohemian Rhapsody, Shrek 12 Days of Christmas and a hundred freaking episodes of Homestar Runner on loop. All. At. The. Same. Time.

All day and night.

Sometimes Mummy likes to rest. Sometimes Mummy sits on the couch with her eyes shut. But Mummy never likes to be greeted with a poke in the eye or a yell in the ear of ‘Wake up I hungry’.

A gentle shake on the shoulder or a kiss would be preferable.

When Mummy is sleeping it is not a good idea to:

  • Smear your poo or toothpaste on the walls, floors, toys, lounge suite or bunny.
  • Empty the contents of the pantry on the kitchen benches to make a shop.
  • Write on the walls. With mustard.
  • Call random numbers you hear on the radio or the TV. Especially the ones that talk about getting a better erection or those chicks that want to talk to you noooow.
  • Wake Mummy by the aforementioned means or with a Teletubbie inches from her face while chanting ‘Kill Kill Kill’

Or any of the crazy arsed unusual things that you find amusing and entertaining.

If it usually results in Mummy exclaiming ‘Oh Boo!’ it is probably not a good idea.

Especially when Mummy is dragging her arse around tired. And I tell you when I am tired.

OK, here is the deal. You sleep. Mummy gets sleep. The End.

Or I will be forced to do something you hate. Despise. That makes you run out of the vicinity screaming with the horror of it all.

I will sing.

Oh yeah buddy, I will sing loud. With smiling. And over emphasised actions. That I make up myself. That are vastly different to the Boo ordained actions that are acceptable in this household.

Or I will inform the military of your secret super nada sleeping powers. I am sure that they will be very interested……

Your choice buddy.

Love you,

Mummy

xx

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I have offered Moo cold hard CASH to watch Boo for me tonight.  I am going to bed.  At 9pm.

SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

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Boo shouldn’t drink orange juice.  It makes him a little silly.
Today  I let him have some.

He swooned.

He drank it and said:

‘I love orange juice.  I will make a club for orange juice drinkers’

and then he made a powerpoint presentation about it.

Sigh.

Perspective.

Simple pleasures.

Beautiful Boo.

It will be OK.  You are right. All of you. He will be happy with whatever he gets on Christmas day even if the fucking cubby isn’t here.
…….and then he pissed all over the lounge.

And so did Boo.

I think…..

I slept so hard that:

I didn’t hear MPS snoring.

The doona was still tucked in when I woke.

I had an imprint of the crease in the pillowcase on my face for a freaking HOUR after I got up.

My ear was asleep.

That when the alarm went off I thought the light was on and it was sunshine coming through the window!  Through the still open blinds….. Good morning freaky neighbours!

And in my semi conscious state I flew out of bed to check on Boo and ran into the wardrobe door.

And it didn’t hurt.

And I was smiling.  And happy.  And thanking the internets for their sleep-you-little-bastard vibes.

So with a skip in my step and fabulous black knee high boots I kicked some serious arse at work.

And my biatch (AKA my boss) bought me coffee.  Cause I scared him yesterday.

Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa

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Don’t forget to vote for me as a hottie and best parenting blog *snort*.  The buttons are over there>>>>>

I am on page 4!  Whoot! 

Or he is reading my fucking blog.

Cause the bastard turned the night time shenanigans up a notch. He is now the official time keeper.

I knew that bragging last night about him staying in his room was a mistake.  I knew it would come and bite me in the arse.

I knew that Murphy hated me, that God and Allah and the Goddess were fucking with me.

But I just had to say that Boo was staying in his room.

And I was getting me some shut eye.

Last night Moo had her end of year break up.  Yeah, a Sunday night.

Fabulous idea.  IF you didn’t have to pick your kid (and a couple of ring ins) and work the next day.

So Mario-porn-star was going to pick them up.  And I was going to go to bed.  But I couldn’t sleep, cause I was terrified that he would fall asleep or forget to pick them up.

At 1am Boo woke up.  Full of freaking jumping beans.

At 1.15am he wanders out…

‘Mum!  It’s 1.15am’

‘Go back to bed Boo’

I lay in bed.  I have been up since six.

My eyes flutter…

‘Mummy!!!  It’s 1.30am!’

He is standing beside my bed.  I walk him back to his room…

Lay down.  The sound of a truck changing gears Mario-porn-star asleep beside me.  Of course he doesn’t hear a thing.

‘Hey Mummy!!!!  It’s 2.04am!’

‘Boo, it is time for sleep.  You need to stay in your room’

Boo in room, me passed out on top of the bedsheets.

‘Muuuuuuum! It’s 2.28 am!’

He is standing inches from my face.  I hold back the urge to smack him fair across the fucking room.

‘Boo back to bed.’

He has wet it.  And the bedding.  And himself.  Shit.

Strip the bed, change the doona (we have many cause he uses them as toilet paper) change his clothes, wack another nappy on him and beg him to go to sleep.

Boo room. Me somewhere in the vicinity of the bed.

‘Oooh Mummy it’s 2.45am!’

‘Boo if you don’t go to sleep right now I will hurt you and make it look like a bloody accident’

‘Can I watch Cat in the Hat?’

Yeah, I had that coming…..

I feel a hand on my face.  I am curled up at the end of the bed.

‘Hey Mummy!  It is 3am exactly!’

‘Boo are you psychic?  Are we going to win lotto?’

‘No’

‘Am I going to get any sleep tonight’

‘No’

So this continues until 6am.  When the alarm goes off.

Mario-porn-star finally gets up after much poking and punching cajoling and complains of being so tired.

I resist the urge to grab his balls in a vice grip and say ‘Yeah me too.’

Get everyone where they need to go.  3 trips freaky neighbours…. all before 9am.  And go to work.

S sees me and starts complaining he is tired.

He looks at my eyes.

I tell him to fuck off.

****************

as you can tell, I am really really tired. I have been awake since 6am yesterday morning. I haven’t come to visit you all today, cause in all honesty I have nothing in my head.  I tried a couple of times and all I could come up with was ‘thanks’, good post or something equally banal.  I am going to bed NOW cause the devil spawn is asleep and who knows how long that will last…. 

❤ my lovelies.  Your comments today have made me smile. 

In the car on the way home from school, Boo’s favourite song of the moment came on the radio.

“Chasing Cars” by Snow patrol

I unconsciously started singing.

Boo hates that. Shuddup. He hates EVERYONES singing, not just my off key efforts.

Boo turned to me and started singing with me.

We were harmonizing in the car.

He kept looking at me and smiling the sweetest loving smile. No yelling, no screaming, no slapping-me-round-the-head. Just singing along and smiling.

Got a bit difficult to drive for a while there. You see I, um, had something in my eye. Which was causing my vision to become blurred and water to trickle down my face.

Boo kept singing. Boo kept smiling. Boo kept looking at me like I was the most wonderful thing in the world. Even better than a mustard sandwich.

Then we got home. He ran around and opened my car door, like he always does and said:

‘Open the door, open the fucking door’

and then sunk his teeth into the door jamb.

Back to reality. But that bubble of bliss in the car was wonderful while it lasted.

And here for your viewing pleasure (DO NOT watch this with small children in the room!) the inspiration for Boo’s request to open the door. No, I don’t let him watch this sort of thing, I found him watching it this morning when he greeted me with ‘Mee-fucking-ooow’.

Oh, and while I was writing this he pulled out another tooth.  A fucking BACK tooth!  How the hell does he do it?

I gotta find this kid another hobby.  He is going to run out of teeth.

….. so I took him to the doctors.

As you do.

He has been having real conversations with us and trying new foods.

So I asked for an emergency appointment.

He has been obeying instructions without it been written down in a social story and laughing uncontrollably in that fabulous kid cacking themselves gaffaw.

I rang work and told them I wouldn’t be in today and maybe even next week.

New doctor.

Shit.

‘What’s the problem?’

I could have said ‘Well, he is sleeping through the night, is really happy and generally a joy to be around. Should we book the hospital bed now?’

But what I said was ‘He has a high a high pain tolerance, could you check his ears please?’

‘What makes you think he has an ear infection? Are you in pain Boo?’

Boo replied ‘Do you have erectile dysfunction? You need to call 1800 60 60 20’

The ad was on the radio in the waiting room. Oh and Boo loves his phone numbers….

‘Oh’ said the new doc ‘Okay, lets look in your ears’

The doctors eyes widened. ‘Hmmmmm’

He checked the other ear and Boo’s throat.

I walked out with a Dr’s certificate for me for work today, a script for antibiotics and a diagnosis of two severely infected ears and an ulcerated throat.

He is now happily eating a ham, mustard and salt sandwich.