Things that make you want to hide in a cupboard


but I did it anyway.
Today it is hot. Well not so much hot, but humid. Sweaty breasticles humid.

I hate humid. I hate hot. But you already knew that….

So I am in Boo’s room looking under his bed for his McDonalds Chicken McNugget box (the kid collects fast food containers….. yeah weird, but if you can’t eat it you may as well sniff the boxes. Same ingredients anyway…) and I was feeling really hot.

So I pulled my skirt up around my waist.

So there I am. Skirt around my waist. Butt in the air. Looking under the bed.

‘Hello?’ an unfamiliar MALE voice calls.

I thump my head on the base of the bed.

A father from school, dropping off some photos of Boo is standing at the OPEN FREAKING WINDOW!

‘Um, am I interrupting anything?’ He inquires, his eyes bugging out of his head, a flush in his cheeks.

I choose to pretend nothing happened.

‘No, just looking for something for Boo, come in!’

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. At least I was wearing pretty panties today. And they weren’t lacy.

So he dropped off the photos and I saw him out.

As he wandered down the driveway, he turned and gave me a sly smile.

Yeah buddy, we both know what you saw. Lets never speak of it.

Unless you want to blog about it. That is fine. Just remember to mention how fabulous, tight and undimpled my arse is OK? And I will say that you are one hot Daddy….

Advertisements

Something else that makes me want to run and hide in a cupboard.

I picked up Boo from school, I was a bit distracted after watching Jenny McCarthy on Oprah (more on that later when I calm down a tad) so I just got him and we went to the supermarket.

I was hobbling around with Boo flapping his arms and people staring.  Yeah, asshat, stare all you like I was thinking.

By the end of it I was getting rather agitated.  People were just STARING.  Some smiling and gigling.  One person actually freaking POINTED at me.

Oooh I was really peeved.

I got home, unpacked the shopping, gave my Boo a big squeeze and took off my shoes to give my toe some relief.

Then nature called.  As I got into the bathroom I realised my fly of my pants was undone.

My black pants.

Bright blue lacy panties.

I looked in the mirror.  Yep they were like a freaking beacon they were so bright against the black of my pants.

So people weren’t staring at my Boo.

They weren’t even commenting at my bizzare limping.

They were staring and laughing at the stupid woman who went shopping with her fly undone revealing bright blue lacy panties.

And they are really freaking lacy too.  So they got a REAL eye full.

This seems to be a continual theme in my life, so I created a whole new catergory for it! See? Over there in the sidebar? Oh, how I wish it wasn’t necessary….

First of all I need to explain the layout of our home. It is a relatively large place, but the majority of its largeness is centered in the living areas and the bathroom (yeah, what’s the deal with that! The previous owners in their wisdom thought, hey lets make the bathroom HUGE with a 3 person spa that is a pain in the arse to clean, with enough room around it to swing an elephant but the master bedroom so small that you can barely open the door when you chuck a queen sized bed in there) and the bedrooms are all squished down one end.

Our room is at the end, Boo’s room across the hall and then Too’s and then, finally Moo’s. Then down the hallway to the largeness of the living areas. Our bedroom window faces the neighbours lounge. So not much privacy, ifyouknowwhatImean, nudge nudge wink wink.

Anyway, after last nights conversation with the FIA girls about House starting back on Wednesday (Corr!!! Oh Hugh Laurie as House…..) Anthony the Blue Wiggle and Harrison Ford, and the prospect of DH starting back at work on Monday, I was feeling rather, ahem, amorous…..

With Boo sleeping (YEESSSS!!!) and Too away for the weekend, we took the opportunity to perform our marital duties. Now this could possibly be toooooo much information, but it is an important part of my sorry tale. I am not the quietest of people in these situations. What can I say? It’s a gift. A gift that DH is thankful for, especially to the guy that I keep talking to throughout……

So after a lovely nights sleep, I wander out of bed and sit down with a cuppa to read my bloglines.

Moo wanders out and looks at DH.

‘What time did you go to bed last night?’

‘Oh, about 3, I couldn’t sleep so I came out to watch TV for a while so I didn’t disturb your mother’ NOTHING would have disturbed me, I was sleeping the sleep of the dead exhausted *snigger* and snoring like a truck changing gears….. apparently.

‘I couldn’t sleep either’ dark look at DH ‘ I went to sleep around 2’

*choke*

I stare at my keyboard, not seeing the words swimming before me. I compose myself.

‘Why couldn’t you sleep, babe?’ I cooly ask. Well I hope it was cooly…..

‘Oh cause I slept in yesterday, so I stayed up reading.’ She is not looking me in the eye.

Trying desperately to save face. ‘You really shouldn’t spend that long with your Ipod in you know, it will hurt your ears’ Please, please GOD! Please tell me you had your Ipod on!!!

‘Nah, I wasn’t listening to my Ipod’.

Shit.

She leaves the room.

I turn to DH in absolute horror. ‘Do you think she heard us?’ I whisper

DH (the negative form) snickers. ‘You were pretty loud. I expect the neighbours will bring us a fruit basket as thanks for the night time entertainment’

Shit.

Excuse me while I go back and hide in that cupboard.

But while I am there, please PLEASE someone share their equally embarrassing tale of getting caught out by children, especially teens, to make me feel a little bit better? Gunna have to wear those red heels all week to compliment the shade of my face.