Hate is probably a strong word. How about I fucking despise Summer, more than pregnancy hormone induced hemorrhoid’s and even more than when my coffee machine expired.
I hate the Romans already, ahem, Summer. I hate Summer already. Channeling ‘Life of Brian’ again.
And it is still spring.
Today it was hot. Freaking melt-the-bitumen-under-your-fabulous-shoes stinking hot.
I don’t take the heat well. My body is designed for temperatures under 28C (82F) not this ridiculous 37C (98F) for 2 days straight. AND expecting the same tomorrow.
Let me share some of the things I abhor about Summer.
Flies: The sticky little bastards that get into everything and join their little friends the
Mosquitos, to make my life a living hell both day and night.
Dickheads that say ‘So how’s the heat?’ Moron. What do you think? We are sweating buckets and fighting over the last bag of ice at the supermarket. So I am thinking it is bad. Fuckwit.
Stupid people that say: ‘It’s not so much the heat, but the humidity’ Do you think that makes you sound smart? History tells us that TV weather people are not the brightest characters. Just spewing what they read from the autocue without any comprehension. Hence you are an idiot, making me more superior than you, so piss of and stop talking to me.
All the humongous fat women that feel it necessary to assault my peepers wearing skin tight spaghetti straped
moo-moo’s sundresses. Get a freaking clue, just because it comes in extra-whoa-mumma-huge doesn’t mean you should wear it. And for all that is good in the world SHAVE those furry armpits!
Oh and invest in some deodorant. Please. I will spot you the 5 bucks for the extra super strength.
Boob sweat. Oh how I hate boob sweat. The trickling sensation between the breasticles that reminds me of a creeping spider (oh yes, I think EVERYTHING is a spider) that makes me run screaming to the nearest loo to mop up the ‘glow’.
The smell of the school halls when I go to pick up Boo. The smell of the 12-13 year olds that haven’t quite discovered deodorant (Impulse spray is not a deodorant girls!) mixed in with old textbooks and orange peel. Bletch.
The endless night. Oh holy-mother-of-GOD I hate the hot sticky nights. I am a wrap yourself up in a heavy doona girl, not so much when the mercury is sitting in the mid 30’s (celcius, I am too hot and bothered to convert it for you guys) at 1am. And I can’t sleep naked. Not with the nocturnal visitor with the stealth ninja moves, who I am only aware of when I feel the poke on my breast and the exclaimation ‘Why do they bounce Mummy?’
Oh and us insane Australians that swelter in the kitchen on Christmas day cooking a traditional Christmas dinner. Turkey and roast vegies and all the trimmings and then freaking HOT PUDDING! WTF? Are we insane? Or are we just so totally brainwashed by the American way of life that we have to eat a hot meal when we can fry an egg on the road? (yeah, we are, I admit to hot turkey and freaking-pudding) And then poor Grandpa gets suited up in the Santa suit, hands out the presents and spends the rest of the day in hospital with heat stroke.
But there is one thing that I like about Summer. Watermelon and coffee flavoured icecream for dinner. yum.
Oh and shoes. Yeah, pretties. Here are today’s.
The photo doesn’t do them justice, they are such a pretty shade of pink. And I have a handbag that matches perfectly!