Cause it so is a land. Shuddup. It is too. We have our own currency and everything…. shoes, coffee and chocoate. Just like the Inca, but with clothes and bedding and shit.

******

Boo: Get me a blanket I need to do a poo. – paper or blanket….. we know the answer.

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Me: Harden the fuck up – to the mayonaisse that was a tad runny.

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Workmate: I think of you whenever I put on my shoes. and they were white! *shudder*

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Workmate: What the fuck is that in your hair? A chocolate box ribbon? Nice shoes! – work Christmas party. I tend to get a little dressed up.

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Too: Number 3 freaky neighbours!!!!!! – as I was driving out the driveway on my third trip of the morning (total today = 8 )

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Me: Aren’t they new feet? – in reference to person hiding in the bushes across the street.

******

Conversation between me and my boss at the work Christmas lunch:

S: Oh look a Yummy Mummy!

Me: Nah, she is so hard faced.

S: Aren’t all Mummies?

Me: What about your wife?

S: Yeah. Hard faced.

Me: What about me?

S: I am going to get hurt now aren’t I?

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Moo: Oh pretty! Can I have one? – about the packaging of my packet of tampons

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My dad: What is that smell?

Boo: It was ME!!!!!! – 5 minutes before the blanket request.

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Boo: Gawd Daymn! That’s Uranus!!! – while I was wiping his arse

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My daughters in the bathroom:

Too: So I said ‘That tastes like arse’ and she is all ‘How do you know what arse tastes like?’ and I said ‘It’s like shit and sperm and Nanna’s cooking’

Moo: What! How do you know what sperm tastes like?

*thump* that was me falling on the floor…..

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Moo: Men are so stupid. Don’t they know that ‘fine’ means no and if you take it you better protect your testicles….. – in reference to McDonalds ad where a guy asks for the last chicken nugget.

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Workmate: I’m so tired!

Another workmate: Have you a death wish? Don’t say that near Kelley, she is wearing some lethal heels today.

******

Phone conversation between Too and I. Me at work and girls home. 9.30am

Me: Good, you are up. Wake up your sister and have something to eat and I will call back with what I need you to do today.

Too: OK, call around 10.30. I am planning on ignoring the phone around then.

******

Picking up MPS at train station. Notice a cut on his head.

Me: What happened to you?

MPS: I got hit in the head with a broom head.

Me: You what?

MPS: I was trying to close the roller door with a broom and the head fell off and hit me in the head.

Me: Too many heads. You are making me think dirty thoughts.

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Me: Too can you put the bins out?

Too: Which ones?

Me: The red one and the green one.

Too: Which one is the red one?

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Got a nice cheque in the mail.

Me: Mumma’s gettin’ her some new shoes!

Moo: ‘You are not African American mum.’ turns to Too ‘she is so white bread’

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Coming out of Safeway and notice the car tyres.

Me: Looks like Mumma aint getting new shoes. Looks like the car is gettin’ new shoes…

******

 

And for your viewing pleasure I present you with todays shoes. These are my Christmas shoes. They sparkle!

christmas-shoes.jpg

I had the office enthralled with my toe less stockings. They honestly couldn’t get their heads around the fact I was wearing stockings…. and they were toe less. And that my nailpolish matched the shoes.

This is what I have to work with people! I didn’t bother showing them the matching handbag, lest their heads explode.