NaBloPoMo


yeah, this thing has been holding me back.

What about BlogEveryHourWeek or HowMuchCrapCanYouTypeInOneDayMonth?

Actually today I am rather proud of myself. I didn’t have to resort to endless memes, nothing posts (well except maybe this one, but a bird was terrified by a fart, so it was something) or just linking to blogs I like. Which is what I was afraid I would do….

And looks like I must be doing something right cause today this little blog debuted in the top 200 Australian blogs! Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. Not something I was expecting after only being around just over 3 months! Pop over to Megs blog Dipping in the Blogpond to see the others. I am number 199 or something *snort*

Thankyou my lovelies, I feel special!

So now what I want you to do (besides thinking of a name for Mario-porn-star) is click on that button over there ‘add this blog to my technorati favourites’ and then go and claim your blog. Helps us both out apparently. Makes my little number go up as well as yours and you too could be dancing around the loungeroom manically squealing ‘In your face, In your face, I am a Suuuuuperstaaaaaaaar!’ or something similar while the boy and the bunny look at you like you are insane.

The boy who is nekid and fondling the next tooth he is planning to extract and the bunny who we think has Tourettes. They are judging me……

I told Mario-porn-star. He was flabbergasted that people would actually want to read my blog. Seeing it is just about cooking and housework *gaffaw*. Might actually come clean with him one day.

I told my girlfriend H.  She looked at me incredulous and said ‘You have a blog?’  Oh. Right.  I forgot.  I haven’t told anyone I know in real life about this little thing…..

So this potty mouthed, fab shoe wearing, coffee ho is a happy little chicky tonight, loving the peeps in cyberland.

I am debating on a new name for my husband.

DH is just not cutting it any more. Not since Mario-porn-star. THAT name suited him.

But once he shaves off that Mo. Won’t really ‘go’.

He wants to be known as Sex God. SG for short. Methinks Stupid Git is more appropriate.

Or Wog Boy. That is certainly descriptive.

Here is the final photo of the monstrosity.

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Rather pathetic really, for a whole months growth. His chest hair is thicker….

So my lovely internets again I am coming to you to name another family member.

I guess you want a little something for your trouble. How about when I amend ‘The Magnetobold Family” page at the top there to update DH/Mario-porn-star’s details, your name and permanent link to your blog. That page gets around 5 or so views a day so that is a lot of lovin’ right there.

OK, let the madness begin. I will keep comments and nominations open till Monday evening.

And I am waking him at midnight (cause you know I will still be up, sigh) and shaving the bastard off.  He can choose to co-operate or not.  I have my girlfriends Epi-lady here, and we know that hurts like fuck.  Hmmmm, could be rather entertaining……

Screaming children, frazzled parents, slow walking pensioners with bags full of change, punch ups in the carpark…..

Yes, the Christmas spirit is alive and well at my local shopping centre (mall).

Today I started my Christmas shopping. Usually I am almost finished by now. But nooo this year I am totally disorganised.

So I dragged my sorry arse filled with the joy of Christmas shopping I made my way to the home of off key Christmas musak. Seems everyone else in a 100 kilometre radius had the same idea.

Hence the car park punch ups. No I wasn’t involved. I was just standing around enjoying the show shouting ‘Kick him in the balls!’, ‘It was totally your park girl, pull her hair till her scalp bleeds’ with all the others.

City girl in me never died, so I walk fast. I shop fast. Old lady with the walking frame get the fuck outta my way cause I am on a mission.

Today’s mission was getting the rest of the paraphernalia for the outside decorating and the wrapping paper, cellophane, ribbon, cards and shit.  Remember this, it is important.

First port of call was the local coffee place. Make my order, stand in the required possie and wait. For 15 freaking minutes! Every bastard had the same idea as me. But when I got my extra large (I get them to make it in a milkshake cup) double latte with an extra shot, I kissed it and took off in my usual 500 miles an hour fashion.

Weaving through the prams, toddlers, aforementioned old people, disembodied heads on top of laden trolleys and strategically placed beggars people selling raffle tickets, I spied some really cute 3/4 pants. Hmmm, I have time. Lets try them on.

Yeah, it didn’t go well. Good thing I didn’t buy that holiday decorated icepick I saw earlier or I would have stabbed myself repeatedly in the eye to reduce the pain of seeing myself in the 3 way mirror.

Into the discount shop to find some cute but cheap frugal cards for the kids to give to their friends. Run into one of the feral mums from school. Am civil but talk quick and get the hell out of there. Cardless.

After an hour my feet are killing me.  These shoes are gorgeous, but not made for speed shopping.

I carry my bags full of Santas (got a thing for Santa *snigger*), lights and 2 bucks a packet candy canes out to the carpark.  Flipping the bird at the guy who nearly runs me down in the race to get another park.

I get home, unpack my purchases.

Shit.

Now I need to go and get the wrapping paper, cellophane, ribbon, cards and shit.

****************

I am going to come clean.  I wrote this last week.  Tonight I wrote a long and very personal post in response to some of the lovely supportive emails I received after yesterdays post.  But I guess I am not ready to share it right now.  I will, in time.  But in the meantime…….  

Thankyou, my internets.  You are all my biatches. 

In the car on the way home from school, Boo’s favourite song of the moment came on the radio.

“Chasing Cars” by Snow patrol

I unconsciously started singing.

Boo hates that. Shuddup. He hates EVERYONES singing, not just my off key efforts.

Boo turned to me and started singing with me.

We were harmonizing in the car.

He kept looking at me and smiling the sweetest loving smile. No yelling, no screaming, no slapping-me-round-the-head. Just singing along and smiling.

Got a bit difficult to drive for a while there. You see I, um, had something in my eye. Which was causing my vision to become blurred and water to trickle down my face.

Boo kept singing. Boo kept smiling. Boo kept looking at me like I was the most wonderful thing in the world. Even better than a mustard sandwich.

Then we got home. He ran around and opened my car door, like he always does and said:

‘Open the door, open the fucking door’

and then sunk his teeth into the door jamb.

Back to reality. But that bubble of bliss in the car was wonderful while it lasted.

And here for your viewing pleasure (DO NOT watch this with small children in the room!) the inspiration for Boo’s request to open the door. No, I don’t let him watch this sort of thing, I found him watching it this morning when he greeted me with ‘Mee-fucking-ooow’.

Oh, and while I was writing this he pulled out another tooth.  A fucking BACK tooth!  How the hell does he do it?

I gotta find this kid another hobby.  He is going to run out of teeth.

or so the gossip mongers say. And we play along, cause we are shit stirrers like that.

If they knew me well they would know that S is not, um, manly, enough for me *snigger* and we were friends looooong before he was my boss.  And he adores his wife.

We regularly have bitch sessions, compare coffee houses and are often found huddling in the corner giggling at the resident dress-like-a-teen-even-though-you-are-pushing-menopause hooker workmate.

Oh, and he is my bitch. And my daughters best friends Dad. So nooky in the conference room, I don’t think so, more like we would be doing each others nails ifyouknowwhatImean *wink*

Today we were gossiping. I was sitting on his desk, wearing a short skirt, he was leaning close, workmates eyes were popping out of heads *gaffaw* and this was the conversation:

Me: You bastard! You went and got a coffee and not me one.

S: I think I have PMS. I forgot, sorry. I was just at the salon. We had the most awesome salad but I just needed CHOCOLATE! So I got this huge hunk of mud cake…… but I know you don’t like cake. See I was thinking of you.  Even if I forgot to get you a coffee.

(his wife owns a beauty salon)

Me: Gimme some of your coffee you big girl (he has the same as me, double skinny latte no sugar)

*slurp*

S: Did you see A has that low cut top on again today. I don’t know where to look!

Me: *giggle* I am so going to tell her you said that.

S: Shutup! Don’t you dare!

Me: Hey does anyone have next week off?

S: Why?

Me: C’mon. Does anyone have next week off? Lemme look.

S: No, don’t want you to look. I will miss you. If you are not here I don’t have any friends.

*big girly pout*

Me: C’mon let me have next week off. You didn’t buy me coffee remember?

S: OK. But who will I talk to?

Me: I don’t care, I will be a lady of leisure. You could always come up at lunchtime and bring me a coffee.

*both sniggering* I said it loud enough for the gossipers to hear.

So I have the rest of this week off because of school closures for Boo and then next week to do with what I wish. Oh the bliss.

Oh and I will miss S. Cause he is my bitch. And cause he is fabulous.

I do have plans to do a lot though.  Thinking I might put a bit of a sidebar thingy on to keep me accountable.  You know, shit like ‘lounge around’, ‘do my nails’, ‘do lunch’, ‘build a cubby house/pergola’….

Perhaps a bit optimistic, but hey I have never been known to take on small projects.  I need just enough pulling-my-hair-out-hysterically pressure to work off all the caffeine I consume.

UPDATE:

Rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch.  Moo just announced that she has Monday off.  That sucks.

yeah, so I get home. I nick outside to get the washing off the line and I am greeted by this MONSTER at my laundry door (gotta learn to not got out that freaking door, perhaps HE left the handprints on the fence?)

I screamed like the big girly city chick that I am and high tailed inside. My heart beating a million miles a minute.

Any one would have thought I broke a nail or *gasp* scuffed a shoe!

yard-monster.jpg

I downed my double skinny mocha to build up enough courage to go outside and take a photo for my lovely internets. See how much I love you all? I risk my personal safety to have photographic evidence of my trauma so you will see how desperately frightening it is to live in a country town.

I leaned out the door as far as I could to take this photo. The weed in the concrete is in fact 7 foot tall. (shaddup, it is I tell ya!)

I have peeked out the window and it is still sitting there. It’s huge claws ready to rip out my heart or at least give me a scratch worthy of a Simpsons bandaid (cause it has to actually break the skin to be allowed one of the hallowed Simpsons bandaids in this household).

Perhaps word has got out to the monsters of the world that Casa Magnetobold has a new family member.

Perhaps they are laying in wait to over power me and get to the bunny.

OH.MY.GOD! What if Too sees it and wants to *gulp* keep it as a pet!

Moo and Too are staying at my parents.

Boo has been sleeping through the night.

He is tired.

There is wine.

Bugger Movember.

Mummy needs a new coffee machine.

*snigger*

….. so I took him to the doctors.

As you do.

He has been having real conversations with us and trying new foods.

So I asked for an emergency appointment.

He has been obeying instructions without it been written down in a social story and laughing uncontrollably in that fabulous kid cacking themselves gaffaw.

I rang work and told them I wouldn’t be in today and maybe even next week.

New doctor.

Shit.

‘What’s the problem?’

I could have said ‘Well, he is sleeping through the night, is really happy and generally a joy to be around. Should we book the hospital bed now?’

But what I said was ‘He has a high a high pain tolerance, could you check his ears please?’

‘What makes you think he has an ear infection? Are you in pain Boo?’

Boo replied ‘Do you have erectile dysfunction? You need to call 1800 60 60 20’

The ad was on the radio in the waiting room. Oh and Boo loves his phone numbers….

‘Oh’ said the new doc ‘Okay, lets look in your ears’

The doctors eyes widened. ‘Hmmmmm’

He checked the other ear and Boo’s throat.

I walked out with a Dr’s certificate for me for work today, a script for antibiotics and a diagnosis of two severely infected ears and an ulcerated throat.

He is now happily eating a ham, mustard and salt sandwich.

Who is this asshole, and why does he get to write the laws.

Tell me where he lives and I will drive my spiked heel through his temple. Or spinal column.  He can choose cause I am nice like that.  Not like him.  Bastard.

Two days ago I was complaining about Summer (complaining?  Yes.  Surprising isn’t it that I would complain about something being the breezy happy chick that I am…) and I said:

“How about I fucking despise Summer, more than pregnancy hormone induced hemorrhoid’s and even more than when my coffee machine expired.”

(any English teachers out there?  Do I have to do quotations when I am quoting myself?)

Well guess what happened today?  Oh yes my lovely internets, the new just-an-interim-cheap-jobbie-cause-I-am-a-cheap-bastard coffee machine my husband bought in September, during that horribly expensive week of take out coffee 3 times a day, fucking blew up!

Well not literally.  It wouldn’t work.  It exploded into pieces when I hurled the heap of shit across the room.

Well not literally.  But I did give it a good smack.  Mums these days have to smack appliances to get out their frustrations.  Not like in my Mums day when kids were regularly belted around the head for the indiscretions of white goods.

My head is pounding.  My hands are shaking.  The washing is piling up (cause that is the coffee machine’s fault) and the kids are talking at me but I can’t hear anything.

Cause BLOOD is coursing through my veins.  Not caffeine. And my body can’t handle that shit.

I haven’t said anything to the kids.  They are still traumatised from the last time.  But they know something is up.  Mummy is not happy and I just announced that we are having take away for dinner.  On. A. Thursday.

‘Oooh what are we having?  Can we have Chinese or Subway?’ asked Too excitedly

‘I. Don’t. Care.’ I muttered through gritted teeth, my head pounding from the withdrawl and every word pulsing in my head.  The headache has started.  The shakes will happen soon, and they will have to lock me in the bathroom to prevent me stuffing coffee beans up my arse.

Cause that is the fastest way to get something in your system, idiot.  I am not that kinky.

I have eaten the coffee flavoured icecream in the freezer.  It was just flavoured, no freaking buzz from that.

I toyed with the idea of making an instant *shudder* cause I keep that shit for guests cause some freakshows don’t like the real stuff. Like those heathens that I gave birth to that prefer  easter egg chocolate and that plastic shit that they call chocolate in Advent calendars to real (caffeine filled) chocolate……..

HANG ON!!!!!!!!!!  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HANG ON!

*sob* looks like the biatches will eat the good stuff if the crap is not available.

Oh Gaggia Gods!  Why have you forsaken me?

So is a broken coffee machine rendering me caffeine-less or Summer worse?

Ask me tomorrow.  Or maybe don’t.  Cause I will be even worse in the morning.

Today it is cool. I am sitting here in long pants. Had to close the windows cause I was getting chilly. The last 3 days are a hazy blur of sweaty breasticles, whinging and cold showers.

Now I am happy.

The kids had the day off today due to the teachers strike and spent the day complaining and asking for food and wanting attention and shit…….

But I was wearing jeans and was coooooool.

I had a support group meeting that I had to go to because 12 new families were coming and not one fucker turned up………

But my breasts were dry.

3 new adults with Aspergers turned up and got all shitty cause I couldn’t help them. I explained that I am just a mum of a 9 year old so have no experience with adult issues. But they went on and on and on…

But because it was cool I ordered a hot sticky date pudding and a bucket of latte. Yum

Boo was downloading a bazillion things on Youtube and sucking up all the bandwidth so I couldn’t get on the rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch internet……..

So I went and put on some socks cause my feet were COLD!

Too is going to Spam-a-lot on the weekend and has been dancing around the house teasing me incessantly.  Apparently the little biatch will be in the second row centre. And I get to spend the weekend with my rellies. The ones that think that Boo is Artistic and like fucking Rainman. ‘Drop the matches cause I know he can count them!’ Asshats.

But it is going to be in the low 20’s and I can wear fab shoes and just stare at them all day.

I was finally the good daughter today and went to see my parents new McMansion. Yeah it is nice and so is the fucking central airconditioning that they got installed today.

But I was gracious and gushing cause my body wasn’t screaming for a shower.

Got the freaking huge list of things I need to do in preparation for my fathers 60th on Saturday and my brother, the golden child, will just swan in with the new girlfriend, suck up all the attention from the fawning parental with no fucking gift while I do all the prep and clean up……

But my lovely internets were here helping and advising me on all things bloggy. And made me feel loved, not like the woman that gave birth to me and didn’t care when I got hit by a fucking CAR!     yes I am still going on and on and on about that. Sorry.

Yesterday I was standing with my skirt over the airconditioner vent, tonight the central heating has turned itself on. It was set to only turn on when the temp drops under 10 degrees C! (50F)

So tonight I am sitting here begging the boy to sleep in a nice cool room. With socks on. I will go to bed and wrap myself up in the doona and snuggle to sleep.

But not with this man.

mo21nov.jpg

Oh no, the man now known as Mario-porn-star is still a nookie free zone. Been a long dry month for a porn star wanna be (well except for this one time…. at band camp when we both had the day off and the kids were at school….. cause when does THAT ever happen?) and he thought thinning the smudge out a bit a la Dick Dastardly would bring a bit of the action.

dick-dastardly.jpg

Nup.

*singing* I am strong. STRONG.

I am invincible. INVINCIBLE!

I am STUBBORN!!!!!!!

9 more days…………

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