blogging


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Yeah, what the cat said.

No one lives here anymore.

Come and join the party over at magnetoboldtoo.com

Cause I went all upmarket and self-hosted and shite.

Yeah, I am awesome, I know.

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Why are you still here?

I moved like, last month.

Come on. The new blog is here:

Magnetoboldtoo.com

I will take you over with me. I just popped back to check the mail.

Oh, and we will update your feedreader on the way K?

HI!!!

Oh my GAWD!  Did I forget to tell you?  I am such a bint! 

Magneto Bold Too moved!

Pop over to MagnetoBoldToo.com to join in the party.

Lock the door and turn out the lights before you leave.

Ta.

Yeah, apparently YESTERDAY was delurker day. No bastard told ME though….

So all my fav US blogs are proudly displaying this badge:

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Oh how I loves me some flashing cartoon guy.

And saying nice things to their peeps to get them to come out of lurkdom and say howdy.

Well you know I don’t work like that.

You know I have a mean streak. Especially when we are on day 450 of 40C temps and my breasticles are melting. Even with ice cubes in my bra.

And the fucking nits are back.

And it is killing me to drink my stinking hot latte, but I do it anyway cause it is my crack.

And Boo is screaming at the dishwasher cause MPS forgot to put it on last night and I HAVE to put those freaking Christmas plates away. Even though I love them so…. and I don’t do handwashing.

And from my position on top of the airconditioner with the laptop and said steaming hot cup-o-joe I can see Boo emptying the drawers in the kitchen, the hole he has ripped in the carpet (!!!) and ants trying to find a way in through the window. Oh and now he is coming at me with a staysharp knife saying ‘Mummy open this!’ I can’t see anything but the cool steel blade.

Hmm, it looks cool. Maybe if I rest my face against it….

Oh yes my lovelies, I have lost it. Big time.

So come out of lurkdom. Say hello. Or get the fuck away from that knife. Or make sure someone takes photos. Or something.

See if we can make this blog explode.

And if you don’t? I won’t tell you where I am moving to.

Cause I am that much of a biatch.

************

Edited to add: Thanks to Veronica for the updated badge. Smootches.

BooYah!

Last night I had 8 hours and 20 minutes sleep. I am physically swooning at the thought of it.

That’s FIVE HUNDRED minutes sleep.

*swoon*

MPS ended up sitting with Boo for me. Got him in his bed at 9pm.

The kid was asleep by 9.15pm.

Bastard.

I asked MPS if he farted in there, therefore knocking the kid out in a stench induced coma.

MPS hypothesizes that perhaps he is just boring.

I concur.

I went to work with a bounce in my fabulous shoe’d step.

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With time enough this morning to paint my toenails a pretty shade of pink!

Now for the apologies. I have memes and awards backed up here. Gunna need some hospital grade enemas to clear them methinks. But I know there are more.

Remember the other day when I was whinging about Firefox and deleting my post? Well half of those zillions of windows I had open were memes to ‘remind’ me to do them.

So of course they are gone. *sob* GONE!

So please, if you tagged me for a meme or gave me an award in the last couple of months let me know in the comments here and I will do them, with flair and venom as is my style, and give you your linky lovin’.

Cause we all lurve our linky lovin’.

And speaking of linky lovin’ thanks to the awesome Stimey, I pink puffy heart her even before she nominated me for a Bloggie for Best Australian Blogger. Thanks Stimey, I ❤ you too!

Now off to visit all your blogs, well, those of you that comment, wink, wink, say no more. Cause over the last few days I haven’t had two brain cells to rub together and you all deserve better than that.

I am a stupid bint.

And it is MPS’s fault. Cause nothing is ever my fault. ‘Bout time he learned that.

So after a large ARRRGGGHHHH and a slap around the head for MPS, I am here to whine tell you what happened.

Yesterday it was hot. You know the drill, bad tempered Kelley, sweaty breasticles, hogging standing in front of the airconditioner with my skirt over the vent, kinda day.

And precious little sleep this YEAR. (sounds so much more dramatic than the last few nights doesn’t it) cause of the tiny terrorist and his stealth Ninja moves.

Moo and I were slapping each other in frustration working on a little project and I was over playing at Aussie Bloggers. There was a thread about web safe colour tools or somesuch, click here to see it, and Moo and MPS were SQUEEing all over the shop at the thought. Especially the Firefox extension Colorzilla.

So being the wonderful person and kind mother that I am, (lets not mention the fact that I wanted it for what I was doing OK? Lets concentrate on my wonderfulness and selflessness as a wife and mother cause then I can blame my family for this sad little tale) I downloaded it for them.

But I needed to restart Firefox to install it.

Now my Firefox apparently has a little bug in it. That MPS keeps saying he will fix. When I quit and then restore session it opens every-freaking-window that I opened in the last whatever. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It can open things that were closed days ago. Or not. Who knows. Like a Firefox lucky dip. But it also opens every window 2-4 times. Lucky Dip again.

Now before anyone starts berating me. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have 4 windows open with 8 tabs each. I know I should be more organised and not leave so much shit open. So shut up. It is not my fault. See the second sentence of this post.

So I restart Firefox and go on my merry way. Delete the duplicate tabs.

Delete the draft version of Bugs, Injuries and Doctors Appointments.

No idea why that fucker was open. It was the draft without the pretty pictures.

Before I hit delete I thought, hang on, might just delete the content cause I am totally computer stupid and don’t know if I delete the draft if it would affect the completed version….

Hmmmm.

I continue my evening. Finally fall into bed around 2am.

This morning I log on. Moderate the newbie comments (thanks for commenting! I big pink puffy heart you all!!) and then think, hmmmm I wonder how many comments that last post has? I hardly ever look at the actual blog, except to swoon over that pretty pink button and the Blogger Choice award buttons ;), so I have a wander around.

What the FUCK?

Where is the post about the nits, swing collapsing on Boo (and by the way, poor little mite has a huge bruise across his shoulder blades. Dodged a bullet there my lovelies. If it had fallen on his neck, or his face, I honestly don’t think he would still be here….) etc etc etc.?

IT. IS. GONE.

I deleted it.

Stupid bint.

I mean MPS is a bastard. And my neighbours asshats. And that guy walking along the street out the front. And my 3rd grade teacher. And Osama Bin Laden.

And it is EVERYONE else’s fault. And I hate them all.

Oh, but not you my lovelies. I ❤ all of you of course……

And of course I don’t have a copy of it. And of course I have no idea what I wrote cause it was just a brain dump. And of course I am mightily peeved cause, well, it makes my blog look messy.

And I hate messy.

So the lesson? Whip MPS’s arse till he fixes the fucking thing. Never EVER delete anything to do with my blog. And take some time to learn what I am freaking doing.

Anyone know of a WordPress for Dummies?

……..I reflect on the year passed.

A Whoa Nelly Fuck-me-dead kinda year.

The year started badly. Really really badly.

And got steadily worse.

But I don’t want to dwell on it. I will just say that MPS is a lucky fucker that I didn’t stab him in the eye with a fork while he slept. Cause that woulda taken some es-plaining. ‘Sorry officer, I was eating steak in bed and I kinda slipped….oh, what’s that? You read my blog and know that I have only ever cooked steak once in my life and did it in a fit of channeling June Cleaver? Well, I was cutting the steak up for my husband, who is bleeding from the eye socket over there….. who am I kidding? Slap those handcuffs on me baby, here use mine, they match my shoes…..’

But I did a lot of running the cold tap while he was in the shower….. bwaaaa haaaa haaaa

So I will think about the coming year. The kick-arse-fan-freaking-tastic Year Of Kelley.

No resolutions. My family resolve every year to break my resolutions, bastards, so here is some for them. Entitled:

Chez Magneto Bolds 10 Commandments.

1. Thou shalt not sit on the toilet with the door open, fan off, and use all the fucking paper without replacing the roll.

And no freaking using-up-to-the-last-square-and-then-ripping-some-off-the-new-roll- so-you-don’t-have-to-replace-it shit. Or I will whip you with the toilet brush. Just after I have cleaned the toilet.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject. For all that is good on God’s green earth FLUSH! There is nothing worse than someone else’s piss splash back.

2. Thou shalt not complain that you have nothing to wear and then empty your floordrobe in the laundry, expecting The Almighty Mummy to wash it all. Including the shit that is still freaking folded. Be warned, you pull that crap and I will return it to your room. After I have farted on it.

3. Thou shalt do what I say. When I say. End of conversation. I can rain war and pestilence and no freaking phone credit or internet access on your arse.

4. Thou shalt not touch Almighty Mummy’s computer. Unless given permission. And asking me while I am half asleep or before my first bucket-o-latte does not constitute permission. I am not held responsible for anything I say during these times. Or when I am holding new shoes. I am speaking in tongues, not saying yes to you.

5. Thou shalt open freaking EYES or move shit when looking for things. Standing in the middle of the room waiting for said item to jump out at you will not work. Unless it is the back of my hand. That’ll work.

6. Thou shalt put away clothes properly. This does not mean the end of the bed or on the floor. Unless it is in your own room. Then I don’t give a shit what you do as long as said clothes do not end up back in the laundry. See Commandment #2.

7. Thou shalt not ask for money within 6 hours of saying no to the Almighty Mummy. The Almighty Mummy has a looooooong freaking memory. Any reference to elephants will end in tears. Yours. When I take away your ipods and replace your Emo music with my favourite techno. (this will be hard to enforce as we actually like the same music)

8. Thou shalt do homework before playing on the computer. Oldest infidel, you are in VCE now. You have homework every night. Yes you do. I will ring your teachers. And invite them over. And they will come cause I can be very persuasive. Infidel-that-was-born-second (cause apparently ‘middle child’ fucks up psyches or somesuch. I prefer using my own methods) you don’t get off easy. Your friends got more honours than you did last year. What the fuck? I don’t care that you got six A’s and the rest were B’s. More study for you. *snort*

9. Thou shalt not walk in the room and start talking at me when I am blogging. This really really pisses the Almighty Mummy off. You will walk in, kneel on the floor with eyes averted until your presence is acknowledged. Wear knee pads. It could be a long wait.

10. Thou shalt love everything that I cook. And then praise the Almighty Mummy for her culinary prowess, even if it is soup. From a can. That you reheated yourself. I bought the bastard and you will bow to me.

11. Thou shalt not stand in front of a full fridge and/or pantry and bitch that there is nothing to eat. I am not a fucking mind reader and the store doesn’t stock ‘I don’t know’. I asked. They don’t. Have an apple.

Yeah, yeah, that was 11. But do you really think any of them will be followed?

I would be happy with just number one. OMG would I be happy with just number 1. Of the number 1’s and 2’s. Yeah that would be good.

Happy New Year my internet lovelies. Now go forth and resolve to resolve tonight. And then pop back here and let me know what you decided to give up do to make 2008 better so I can hold you to it and tease you mercilessly when you break the resolution by 1pm on the first of January cheer you on.

Mwwwaaaa! Looking forward to spending 2008 with you.

Two very exciting things have happened today. And I am jumping out of my skin with excitement!

Firstly. I was wiping Boo’s arse earlier and noticed that he had his first solid bowel movement EVA! Boo has been gluten free since ‘toddler diarrhoea’ didn’t clear up by the time he was four. We started a half arsed *snort* gluten challenge but over the last couple of days he has been eating hot dog rolls till they have been coming out the wazoo. And solid!

Oh. My. Freaking GOD!!! I am so excited I could just, well, share my sons toilet habits with the internets. I am just bouncing people. Looked just like the Mr Hanky I packed away with the Christmas decos.

I swear it freaking winked at me and said BoooYaah!!!

I resisted the urge to take a photo for you all. I concede that some may not be as enamored by my sons fecal floaties.

And the second thing. Well I am sure I will be forgiven for announcing this after a good bowel movement, but today sees the launch of the newest most exciting Aussie Blogging forum in the world! It was supposed to be a secret till tomorrow. I was planning on having a play and wielding my magic moderating powers without an audience. I was going to do a vague post and keep you guessing and begging and sending me shoes to get me to tell, but then Meg, Snoskred and Andrew let the cat out of the proverbial Gucci puppy carrier.

The Aussie Bloggers Community project is born! Here is the link to the forum. We are all having fun in there right now and literally hundreds of people have visited since the unofficial launch at 6pm.

Meg has done all the hard work with the linking and stuff so pop over there to read all about it:

Dipping in the blogpond

Or just click on all three of their names and read what they have to say, oh and subscribe to their feeds. You will thank me! (Don’t forget to subscribe to mine too! Bwaaa haaa haaa!)

And then get your arses over to the forums! Oh and my lovely overseas friends, it’s not just for Aussie sheilas and blokes 🙂

Just don’t forget to come back ya hear?

Well, well, well….. Looks like I definitely still have my moderators hat on cause there was not a fuck, shit, biatch in sight. Must be mellowing in my old age. Probably something to do with that red shit on my leg. That apparently no one but me can see…..

I am over guest posting at Snoskred’s today.

A post inspired by bone tiredness, too much wine and spending the day with my awesome Daddy.

No swearing in sight.  Really freaking hard, especially after the last couple of days.

If you want me to come and mess up your blog, offend your readers or do a shoe parade, just click on the ‘Talk to me’ button up the top there and let me know where and when.

Just remember the coffee.  Skinny latte with a extra shot.

Two posts in a row where I am not pissed with someone. That has to be some sorta record or something. Wonder if this means I will keep my potty mouth in check.

Fuck no.

Well I have had a very eventful week which I will bullet point for your reading pleasure.

  • Week off from work. Cause my boss lurves me. Bliss….
  • Boo went on his first school excursion without me. And had a ball! All the parents that went along took photos of my little man, cause they all love him!
  • Found out who Boo’s teacher and aide are for next year. Shhhhhh, I am not supposed to know yet. But I am very very VERY happy!
  • Won a competition over at All for Women. A fantabulous 48 page photobook from Click on print to give to my brother in the Navy AKA The Golden Child.
  • Almost finished my Christmas shopping for the kids
  • Made the top 200 bloggers (by the skin of my teeth!) and top 50 Aussie Women Bloggers.
  • Dressed as a Ninja and cracked myself up
  • Got pampered and caught up with all the gossip while getting a FABULOUS haircut that I lurve, lurve LURVE!!! Less than three, Sebastian, less than three….
  • Got this fabulous bit of bling from Ree the Hotfessional llama.jpg and will pass it on to LA Daddy cause I gave him some bling eons ago and he came looking for it the other day. And because I am a lazy biatch, I will just fling him some new bling. AND it was his birthday party yesterday and he managed to get his boss to cater. I bow to your awesomeness LA Daddy, cause although mine is my biatch, he usually only gets me coffee. Oh and Diesel, cause he asked so nicely *snigger* and cause his blog rocks . (and I am supposed to say that this bling originated at Simplycuriousgirl)
  • I bought coffee 4 times this week. And it was worth it. Mmmmmmmm.
  • Got nominated again for Hottest Mommy Blogger and Best Parenting Blog at the Bloggers Choice Awards *snort* So vote for me biatches. You know you want to. Click on the linkies in the sidebar or right here. I don’t care just vote for me. I know you have to register and shit, but c’mon I dressed like a Ninja and make you spurt liquid outta ya noses….
  • Lost a kilo. Minutes after my haircut. Yeah, there was that much hair. Went from super freaking long and heavy to lighter and just super long. Without the freaking. Oh and I don’t know if I have mentioned but I lurve lurve LURVE it….
  • Woke to brown murals all over the walls and it wasn’t shit! It was chocolate. Woulda licked the walls clean but I was pretty sure those hands were up some bodily crevice before hand.
  • Although Boo is in his sleep-is-an-optional-extra phase again, he is staying in his room. Might have a little weeny bit to do with I am not leaving any lights on in the rest of the house any more and he is too freaking scared to leave his room. *Slaps head* WHY didn’t I think of that years ago!!!!
  • Got an email from the fabulously freaky Kim who has been trying to nominate my post ‘Letter to my neighbours’ for the, and I quote, ‘aussie post thingy at Club Troppo’ and keeps getting an error message. *smootch* babe, just that you have tried over and over makes me less than three ya more!
  • Bullet points are fun. I could go on and on but then you will forget to vote for me as a Hottie. Cause I soooo wanna be a hottie.

So till tomorrow when I find someone to despise or ridicule I will leave you in the warm glow of Kelley being happy.

And another Christmas tree…

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This is the lounge tree. Yes it is still leaning. Goddamnit!

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