Autism


….. so I took him to the doctors.

As you do.

He has been having real conversations with us and trying new foods.

So I asked for an emergency appointment.

He has been obeying instructions without it been written down in a social story and laughing uncontrollably in that fabulous kid cacking themselves gaffaw.

I rang work and told them I wouldn’t be in today and maybe even next week.

New doctor.

Shit.

‘What’s the problem?’

I could have said ‘Well, he is sleeping through the night, is really happy and generally a joy to be around. Should we book the hospital bed now?’

But what I said was ‘He has a high a high pain tolerance, could you check his ears please?’

‘What makes you think he has an ear infection? Are you in pain Boo?’

Boo replied ‘Do you have erectile dysfunction? You need to call 1800 60 60 20’

The ad was on the radio in the waiting room. Oh and Boo loves his phone numbers….

‘Oh’ said the new doc ‘Okay, lets look in your ears’

The doctors eyes widened. ‘Hmmmmm’

He checked the other ear and Boo’s throat.

I walked out with a Dr’s certificate for me for work today, a script for antibiotics and a diagnosis of two severely infected ears and an ulcerated throat.

He is now happily eating a ham, mustard and salt sandwich.

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Today I wrote a social story for Boo.

A social story is a short ‘story’ to explain social situations.

Here is today’s in response to his teacher going through 2 cans of air freshener in the last month:

Everybody farts.

People sometimes laugh when I do a loud fart. That makes me happy.

But I must not fart INSIDE.

I must only fart when I am in the bathroom or outside, alone.

I if I need to fart I need to ask to go outside.

Nobody likes to smell my farts.

I like the smell, but other people do not.

Mummy is very proud when I don’t fart inside.

 

I handed it to Boo.

He asked to go outside.

Fantastic, I think and give myself a huge pat on the back. Literally. I am freaky like that.

Boo comes back inside.

‘I can’t smell it outside. I fart inside now.’

He let one rip. I saw his little butt cheeks wobble.

No one light a match.

**************

Oh and girls I am still working on those meme’s you tagged me for. Just gotta stop falling asleep in the middle of doing them cause I am soooooo freaking BORING! Gotta come up with something juicy that I haven’t already spilled my guts about in 100 things and Wanna be my Stalker!

That is what I wrote on the sign out book at school today.

A totally inaccurate statement that pissed me off and set me off mumbling all the way to the car, my baby holding my hand and happy to have a half day off school.

Today was a public holiday in Victoria. But because we live in the ‘country’ some places have the day off, others don’t.

DH and I had the day off work, but the kids had school. Boo’s school had a Melbourne Cup themed day with races and fashions on the field after an early lunch.

But Boo only had aiding till 12.30pm. And Boo doesn’t cope with me being his ‘aide’ cause it is too confusing for him. At school C (his aide) and P (the teacher) are in charge. I am the boss when the bell goes.

It has taken a year to get him to understand this. ‘Cause the kid needs firm rules.

So today, while all the races were on, the kids wandering around school with any freak job able to just walk in the school grounds unchallenged, Boo was expected to fend for himself.

The child that eats dirt and half chewed apples off the ground and ROCKS for fucks sake and has a penchant for wandering off alone was expected to just sit quietly and understand what to do.

And all of a sudden develop the ability to know not to wander off with a stranger that offers him food.

So there I am at the office filling out the sign out book and the Vice Principal walks out. He looks pissed. Well I am more fucking pissed.

‘So A’ I call out ‘What should I write as the reason I am taking Boo out of school this afternoon?’

He saunters over, thinking I want a friendly chat. Normally we have a good relationship but today I am pissed at him and ready to stab the new principal in the head with the pen. The new principal has decreed that if an aide is away for one day they will not be replaced.

Boo’s aide now calls me in the morning if she is too sick to come to school so I can keep Boo home. Fucking Arsehole. He is saving money and I have to take time off work….. or worse, C comes in when she should be home sick.

Again, as always, I digress.

A is standing next to me, smiling down. A is a rather attractive man, but today all I can see is his devil horns….

‘I need to write something here, and seeing he isn’t sick and doesn’t have a doctors appointment, I don’t know what to write’ I say, knowing he has no idea where this is going.

‘Oh’ his face clouds over for a moment ‘Why are you taking him home?’

‘Well, he has no aiding for this afternoon. P is judging and C is in Mr S’s room. So no supervision’

‘He will be alright won’t he’

What the FUCK!!!!! This man has been in every freaking meeting about Boo since day dot. He was there during the discussion when Boo was doing nudie runs in the halls, when he took to playing in the urinals, when he disappeared during a class with a sub teacher, when he got a 4 year old in a head lock cause he was playing ‘The Simpsons’, when he ate so many freaking ROCKS in the playground that our toilet was backed up………

‘No, A, he will not.’ I said through gritted teeth while Boo was happily laying on the floor at my feet giggling for no apparent reason.

‘Oh, well write Parental Decision then’ he shot back at me.

‘Fine.’ I muttered back and shot him one of my infamous glares, the glare that makes small children cry and Emo teenagers make a facial expression other than a scowl ‘We will talk about this later in the week’

And I helped Boo off the floor and swung around and strode out the door. Shit, I wish I had heels on today, it would have been so much more dramatic.

As I am walking out the door, A calls out

‘Have a wonderful day Kelley!’

He knows I am pissed. He knows that I am the reasonable parent. I am the parent that goes out of her way to make sure that everything is fair. I know that my boy is hard work and will do anything and everything to help the school, teachers and for Christsakes the other kids cope with Boo being there. I help out at the school and do things at home without batting an eyelid. Ask for help, I am there.

I am his dream fucking parent and he has pissed me off.

And he has known me long enough to know, you don’t piss me off. Not when it comes to my boy.

A, you better bring a spare pair of pants when I decide we are having that meeting. You will need ’em buddy.

Oh and tissues. Lots of tissues. I betcha you ain’t so pretty when you cry.

OK, I have a couple of apologies.

Firstly, Boo has discovered the joy of commenting. This morning he was watching me on my NaBloPoMo page and declined a friend request.

Mad scramble to apologize to said requester and added her as a friend (sorry Lotus) God only knows if there were others.

If I declined you, it wasn’t me it was the tiny terrorist on his reign of send-Mummy-round-the-bend.

Secondly, he has been randomly clicking on my bloglines and commenting on blogs. So if you have got an abusive comment blabbering on about being pre-pubescent and taking anger out on people he likes….

I am deeply, red faced embarrassed SORRY!!!

I have not finally snapped. I haven’t changed my name to Harry Potter, Homestar runner or any of the other alias’ he has assumed to slander his poor mother.

And finally one that I can’t blame on Boo. Look, I don’t like Ugg boots. As far as I am concerned they are slippers and only to be worn inside the house to keep your feet warm (I don’t even like them then, but that is my personal preference) I particularly despise these

fluffy1.jpg

especially when people wear them in the office. It is a running joke that people scramble to see my reaction when someone (yes I am talking about you Marie) walks in with them on….. with a freaking skirt….

Anyway, I was apologising…… I am sorry if they are your footwear of choice. I am sorry if I offended you. I am sure that you feel that you are the height of fashion and my poor choice of footwear will send me to the podiatrist in years to come and you will be able to wear your, um, shoes right up to old age.

But as I always say, grow some balls and put it in the comments section instead of emailing me privately. At least Ellen had the guts to confront me about it. *waves to Ellen and blows a kiss*

**********

 

party blog has been updated

Boo is home today.

Boo is not in a good mood.

Boo is an arsehole.

Boo is now in his room contemplating WHY he shouldn’t beat up his mother.

Shit.

I am in the lounge.

I am nursing my wounds.  He only punched me a few times in the arm and head butted me.  But shit it hurt!

We were attempting to make jelly,  he was not agreeing with the amount of boiling hot water that was needed.  He tried to throw it.  I stopped him.  He took exception to that.

I am taking solace in the internet and coffee and  a family block of chocolate.

I joined NaBloPoMo,  a post a day for the month of November.  I wonder if I can manage that *snort*

nablopomo.jpg

AND I worked out HTML all by myself and put the badge on my sidebar.  The badges on the site have flash or whatever in them so can’t be supported on WordPress.  But I got around it and now I have a pretty new button!   All while listening to Boo tear his room apart in a rage and my arms burning.

So if you click on it you will go to my NaBloPoMo page.

I really truly rock you know.  I do.

I hate the start of Daylight Savings.

Scratch that.  I HAAAATE Daylight Savings.

I don’t care that the extra hour of sunlight will kill the plants or fade the curtains or wake the cows early and curdle the milk.  I hate the fact that it will now take ANOTHER FUCKING HOUR for Boo to go to sleep.  His internal clock is permanently set on ‘awake’.

‘Get your feet off the wall’

Now I am lamenting that I let him play outside for that extra freaking hour – yes Daylight Savings gives an extra HOUR to play in the freaking mud – and then couldn’t be bothered giving him a shower just a wipe down (cause he has to shower in the mornings due to nocturnal mictruition) and now I have foot prints on the walls.

‘Put it down’

As he pulls a book from under his bed.

‘Give me that car.  It’s sleep time’

Where the hell did that come from?  He didn’t have it in the bed.  I know it wasn’t there cause I had to change the sheets before he went to bed cause he used them as toilet paper five minutes before.

‘Lay down properly.  It is nearly 11.30.’

But in his little melatonin diminished brain it is only still early.  So par-tay on.

‘Get your hand out of Pikachu’s eye and GO. TO. SLEEP’

Boo has a soft Pickachu bedhead that I made him.  Over the years he has picked the stuffing out of the eyes.  And eaten it.

Interesting when you are wiping his arse and stuffing comes out.

I am so tired.  That bone tiredness that makes your brain all fuzzy and your mouth feel like the morning after a big night out.  My body is aching to go to sleep and Boo is doing the Macarena.

‘Leave my feet alone’

He is now resting his head on my feet.

‘Lay down properly Boo or so help me….’

giggle ‘Help you what Mummy?’

‘Don’t worry.  Just go to sleep!  Please, Boo, please.  Go. To.  SLEEP.

He is manically giggling.  Bouncing around the room.  I have tomorrow off work as a rec day.  Gunna waste my day that I was going to spend cleaning (oh the joys of a working mother, rec days are for deep cleaning) walking around like a zombie.  Or worse still, with Boo home.

‘Get our foot out of Pikachu’s ear!’

Oh God, someone, get this kid to sleep!

He has stopped moving.  He is still.  Is he….. asleep?  Or has he passed out from choking on some of the the Pokemon pupil?  Do I dare check?

A faint snore.

Oh.  He is asleep.  And it is only midnight.  Better hightail it outta here and jump into bed cause who knows what time he will start the all-singing-all-dancing one man show again.

The party is over.

One more to go, but six days to recover.

Boo had a wonderful time. The kids were well behaved. A couple I wanted to strangle. A couple I want to adopt. 10 kids didn’t show, 6 had tummy bugs and their parents called to apologise –WOW – one mum went as far as popping over before the party to say J wasn’t coming but here is Boo’s present anyway……. How cool is that!

27 kids. 5 surly teenagers until the 6 month old baby came, then marshmallows in Emo garb. 4 adults. 3 conversations with the ‘ferals’ – one of them is growing a freaking BEARD! So I asked her how she liked my t-shirt. Bwaaaa haaa haaa!

Everyone but T had a good time. T is a tiny little dynamo, blindingly street smart with amazing blue eyes. She drives me nuts sometimes she is so freaking adult, but I love the kid. She was having a good time until I had to tell her off. She was on the trampoline with a boy and beating the living shit out of him.

It was a fun wrestling game that quickly got out of hand after she had eaten her body weight in unicorn turds (aka mini meringues). She was physically picking him up and body slamming him down. The boy (also T) was trying to save face cause T is half his size. But enough was enough. I ended up having to scream at T to get off him.

He’s all like ‘It didn’t hurt’,  ‘I’m OK’,  ‘I let her do it’ (so brave for a 7 year old) limping into the house trying to hide his tears. I sat T down and told her that she really shouldn’t do that cause she could get hurt one day when someone fights back.

‘Don’t worry Kelley, I can take care of myself’

Damn right she can. She scares me!

So T spent the rest of the party sulking. Refusing cake, icypoles and further turns on the trampoline. She sat out the potions class and pretended to be unimpressed with the teens ‘exploding’ experiments. Oh, it was so wife-pissed-off-at-husband-get-back-by-punishing-myself, I was stunned.  And amused.

Boo got some amazingly thoughtful gifts, adorable cards (lots of ‘you are a good friend’, ‘I love you’, ‘we are best friends’ handwritten cards *sob*) and some what-the-fuck presents.

The 2 blocks of DAIRY MILK chocolate from the woman I was lamenting having to do everything dairy free to and she gave me a fucking RECIPE. WTF?

This make your own animation thingy that plugs into the TV…. oooh it is so cool! AMAZING!

A dirty ball. You could have fucking washed it first before re-gifting dickhead. WTF

The mum that called from out the front to ask what to buy Boo….. I told her $5 in a card is perfect. She walked in the door 1 minute later, $10 in a generic card……. LMAO

Tons of artist supplies. Pens, paper, paints, sketch pads, textas, crayons, artist canvas, coloured pencils, charcoal….. Boo will be set for at least a month 🙂 BRILLIANT

The weather was perfect. A little warm but the rain held off. Thank you everyone for doing those little anti rain dances for me.

After everyone had gone and Boo had enough time to decompress, he came to me.

‘You know what Mummy?’

‘What my Boo?’

‘It was a great party’

‘Yes it was precious. Did you have a good time’

‘I did. Fun was had by all’

Yes, indeed. Everything was so worth it just to have that conversation with my Boo.

You rock Boo. Now it is 10.30pm, get the fuck to sleep.

***************

I will update the party blog with more details and photos over the next couple of days. Right now I have a hot date with a huge glass of red and a footspa.

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