Public toilets.

Just before Christmas we went to the girls presentation night (yeah they are smart, rool smart like, comes from the postman, no not the postman he is like 90… that really hot guy at the video store…. wait he is like, 20, so he would have been 3 or 4 when Moo was conceived….. eww, eww, eww…. move on Kelley, move on…. Must have skipped 6 or so generations, yeah that’ll work) and as it was eleventy billion miles away, by the time I got there I was in serious need of a bit of micturition* action.

So I waddle to the loos. Oh yeah, I was in dire need baby.

Open the door, place looks relatively clean (it is at an Arts Centre so hard to tell what is rubbish and what is art) so I go in, thighs quivering, cause I have to be desperate to use a public loo.

The place is empty. I pick a stall and, well, you know….. I am not going to spell it out to you, I am sure there are plenty of sites on the net you can find if you want more intimate details. Pick someone wearing a black knee length skirt and fab shoes to make the experience more real.

OK, now we have got rid of the freaks, where was I?

Oh yeah, thighs a-quiver, find stall…..

Someone walks in. And picks the fucking stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Eight hundred empty stalls and she plonks her fat arse next to mine.

And starts farting.

Oh yeah. Long melodic stinky bastards from the hounds of hell. Something crawled up her arse, or was inserted, and was decomposing.

The door opens. Someone else walks in….

and you guessed it. Right. Next. To. Me.

And she starts sighing as she is urinating. Real happy kinda sigh, ifyouknowwhatImean.

I guess she really likes to urinate. A lot. Cause she went for ever.

Tinkle, sigh, tinkle, sigh.

Her friend on the other side of me playing the trombone with her arse.

Me in the middle with stage fright. And thinking, I am so blogging this. While holding my nose.

Why, oh, why do people DO that? When you go to the doctors people do anything to ensure that there is a chair in between them and a stranger (and a whole fucking row if I am there with Boo, cause apparently flapping your arms and singing are communicable diseases) but when it comes to a public loo, the more intimate the better.

Especially if you need to move your bowels. Come sit next to me and share.

Now I do know that sometimes there is only one available, or even a line (guys are so lucky, they rarely have to line up to urinate) and that is fine. But when the room is empty, give the chick next to you some space OK?

I have considered making a sign. ‘Out Of Order’ for the stalls next to me if there are plenty vacant. Or getting me some bouncers to stand either side of the stall. While I am at it one to wipe the seat for me too, maybe warm it as well….

Or, seeing Boo is about to graduate to adult nappies (diapers) perhaps I should just swipe a few of them should the need arise?

* I googled the spelling (cause I wasn’t sure, but I was right. Cause I am awesome) and got this. OMG I am peegasming all over the place.

‘Post-micturition convulsion syndrome, also known as piss shivers, pee shivers, peegasm or whiz willies, is a phenomenon in which one feels a shiver running down the spine following urination.[1] The shiver can produce a brief twitch, which is a form of myoclonus.’

from Wikepedia. Click here to read the whole ‘article’.

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Those of you looking for the foul spewing of venom I promised on Aussie Bloggers yesterday, you will be disappointed. I have decided not to post it. It was too nasty and if MPS the person it was directed to read it I would be divorced in trouble….. I was really really pissed. I am glad I decided to wait till I had calmed down before posting it. Thanks Wendy from FIA. You made me think twice…..

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