Dear Mr Toy Manufacturer,

Or can I just call you Capitalist Bastard CB for short? Ta. I assume that you are male, as no woman who does 99% of the present wrapping of the world would be so fucking stupid as to allow toys to be shaped as they are.

Balls I can cope with. I have even managed to wrap a bike. My wrapping skillz are world renown. But how the fuck am I supposed to wrap this thing neatly?

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I mean REALLY CB, what were you smoking when you approved the shape of this thing? And what about this:

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And this:

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And while I am at it, why on Gods green earth do you wrap the toys in impenetrable plastic and then not include the freaking batteries? I have to either demolish the packaging and make the kids think that Santa got the gift from the reject bin of Kmart to get the fucking batteries in or on 2 hours sleep and with a hangover that would kill a goat (from the iced eggnog…. mmmm eggnog) wrestle with the packaging whilst my kid jumps from foot to foot begging me to hurry the fuck up. By the time I have finished they have lost interest and eating the contents of their stocking while I am distracted and will not eat the turkey that took me 6 fucking hours to cook I lovingly baked.

I am thanking sweet Jesus that my girls are no longer into Barbies and the like, cause those fuckers are held down with shit loads of plastic ties, pieces of string and other paraphernalia meant to make parents rue the day they said ‘Yeah, lets forget the condom tonight’ or ‘I think I took my pill, oh what the heck’ or ‘roll over’ or whathaveyou.

Now CB, you know we will never let your profits fall cause your wonderful subliminal advertising has us wrestling each other in the toy store aisles for the last whatever-the-fuck-is-the-ultimate-toy-that-year or ringing around the world, or even whinging on our blogs trying to find our child the perfect gift that will be gathering dust by mid January, but I am pleading with you to please please make the bastards easier to wrap? Those of us with OCD tendencies want the tree to look all Martha Stewart before our tiny terrorists little angels demolish it before our sleep deprived eyes. And things that have taken hours to wrap end up looking like the dog has mauled them and make our little perfect housewife eyes twitch and have us reaching for the wine to dull the pain.

I honestly think for the amount of cash we bring your way you could keep us in mind before you approve the need-scissors-machete-every-freaking-screwdriver-and-blowtorch-to-open packaging for your wonderful must have toys.

Oh, and don’t outsource to China. Lead is not part of my kids diet.

Could you pass on a message to the asshats that make ‘clear’ tape? Tell ’em that the stuff is not freaking clear at all and if they need a lesson on what is ‘clear’ means just give me a call and after I have finished ripping them a new arsehole I will read them the dictionary definition.

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Choke on a turkey bone and DIE yours sincerely,

Rocking in the corner with a bottle of wine Mummy.

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