Christmas is approaching. We are getting into the spirit and planning the decos so this means the garden needs to be spruced up first.

Firstly I will say, I hate gardening with a passion. I would rather have root canal, cause at least then you get drugs and don’t have people looking at you like you are a freak and saying ‘But I love root canal!’

If you love gardening, turn away….

Are they gone?

Are you sure?

If you like gardening you are freaking weird.

OK!!! You can come back now!

Anyway, I am out there with the only thing that makes it all worth while. Power tools. A big hulking hedge trimmer that makes me want to get a hockey mask and chase my children around the house.

So I get the best done first – no delayed gratification for this chicky babe – and then I look up.

I have an audience.

You guessed it. The freaky neighbours have set up fucking CAMP across the road. Sitting on a rug under the tree, sipping Pina-freakin-colada’s for all I know.

With a rake laying on the ground.

Oh, yeah, I believe you.


I ignore them.

A car pulls up in their driveway. Someone gets out. AND SITS DOWN!


What is so freaking entertaining about a chick weeding her garden? It is not as if I am wearing a bikini or short shorts or something (trust me, that will never happen. OMG, Greenpeace would be on my doorstep wondering how I got so far inland) I am wearing a very loose tshirt, 3/4 yoga pants and gardening clogs. Fashionista I am not. Bag lady perhaps.

I go inside for a while to get out of the hot sun and the glare of the freakazoids. They hang around for a while, the guy gets in his car and leaves and I contemplate whether it is safe to go back outside.

Yeah, I would rather clean up Boo’s fecal murals than go back out and garden, but I haul my arse out there.

Guess what? Oh yes, my lovely internets, they come back out.

I finish what I am doing, flip them the bird and go back inside.

So much for neighbourly love, they are off my Christmas card list now. Unless Boo still wants to make a pipe bomb…….

Now excuse me I need a shower, I stink.