My kids want a pet.

We have had our fare share of pets, all of which had the novelty wear off after a day or so and I ended up being slave to them too.

The kamikaze fish, Bit and Bot, that were replaced numerous times and there predecessors hidden in the freezer.  Until one day some stupid woman was stalking a fly on the window sill with a can of flyspray….. Well lets say there were no survivors and the kids were not impressed.

The Sea Monkeys that were lovingly tended (by me) for weeks in their deluxe mansion until one day some bright spark (of the male persuasion) decided to take them outside in the sun to warm ’em up a bit and give them a change of scenery.

On a 40c day.  With a lid sporting a MAGNIFYING GLASS still on.  ZAP!  Goodbye little brine shrimp.

That was the first time I saw Too roll her eyes at her father.  She was 3.

The dog that came with the house we bought.  Basically we either took the dog or she was to be put down.  She was a lovely little thing.  Ugly as hell – Jack Russell/Chihuahua cross.  Real little lady but thought she was a boy.  Cocking her leg to pee.

We ended up having to give her away when we moved because we couldn’t find somewhere to rent that would let us keep the dog and DS.  Apparently it is easier to give away a dog……

Yollie the mouse.  Stinky horrible disgusting thing that it was.  Ewww.  My loving mother (you know the one, Mother of the freaking YEAR) bought it for Too.  Biatch.

She lasted 3 months until Too decided to take her out to the garage one hot summer day, cause the smell was even getting to HER, without water and in an enclosed plastic cage.  I can still hear the screams when she found her pet dead from the heat.  She was given a proper send off and Too wore black for a week.  It was the start of her Emo stage….

The two guinea pigs that we inherited from a ‘friend’.  Her neighbour was going to set them free in the forest so we saved them.  Ugly freaking things.  They scared the shit out of me, with their creepy red eyes and little tiny feet.  *shudder*

But guess who had to look after them?  Moi.  Unfortunately they have both since died.  The first I am unsure what happened, the second looks like it was terrorised by the neighbourhood feral cat and it tried to hide in its food bin, where I believe it suffocated.

So now we are pet-less.

I tried to talk up the value of a pet rock.  No mess, no fuss, can dress it up and put makeup on it.

‘But that is why we have a brother’

OK, fair call.

I thought a Green Tree Frog would be good.  Small, no shedding, something a bit different.

Until I found out you had to feed it live grasshoppers and get a freaking PERMIT for it.

Any moron can go and have a baby, but I need permission to keep a frog for chris-sakes!

Hermit crabs creep me out.

Snakes and spiders.  Well no.

Mice and rats.  Been there, done that, never again.

The girls want a cat.  I am not fond of cats.  I already have 4 people treating me like staff without a furry one too.

Fish.  Well just look at my track record with them….

I want a dog.  A cute little dog.  One of those spadoodle jobbies.  No shedding and cute as a button.  DS is terrified of dogs.  And no one will take him so I can fulfill my wish.

So what to do?  I need to find something that doesn’t add to the shit factor around here and doesn’t shed.  Three females with long hair have my vacuum working over time as it is.  Something to fill the gaping hole in my heart that desperately yearns for another whinging mini me.

Hmmm, you can put a nappy on a monkey….

And it would look eerily like my husband.

So what pet would you suggest?