My dearest son.
My adorable little man.
Do you have a death wish? Or are you secretly plotting to have me keel over before my time due to sleep deprivation and sheer frustration?
I understand that you don’t need to sleep. I understand that your brain is wired in some fantabulous way that means that you can function with a bees dick worth of sleep and wake bouncing off the walls.
Yeah I get that.
But Mummy can’t. Sorry about that.
So when you sleep for a couple of hours a night for 3 weeks straight Mummy gets a little cranky. Mummy doesn’t want to play Hyperdash, or endless Boo-draws-a-random-shape-in-the-air-and-Mummy-has-to-guess-what-it-is-or-Boo-has-a -freaking-meltdown games. Or listen to Spongebob Squarepants, The Sweet Escape, Bohemian Rhapsody, Shrek 12 Days of Christmas and a hundred freaking episodes of Homestar Runner on loop. All. At. The. Same. Time.
All day and night.
Sometimes Mummy likes to rest. Sometimes Mummy sits on the couch with her eyes shut. But Mummy never likes to be greeted with a poke in the eye or a yell in the ear of ‘Wake up I hungry’.
A gentle shake on the shoulder or a kiss would be preferable.
When Mummy is sleeping it is not a good idea to:
- Smear your poo or toothpaste on the walls, floors, toys, lounge suite or bunny.
- Empty the contents of the pantry on the kitchen benches to make a shop.
- Write on the walls. With mustard.
- Call random numbers you hear on the radio or the TV. Especially the ones that talk about getting a better erection or those chicks that want to talk to you noooow.
- Wake Mummy by the aforementioned means or with a Teletubbie inches from her face while chanting ‘Kill Kill Kill’
Or any of the
crazy arsed unusual things that you find amusing and entertaining.
If it usually results in Mummy exclaiming ‘Oh Boo!’ it is probably not a good idea.
Especially when Mummy is
dragging her arse around tired. And I tell you when I am tired.
OK, here is the deal. You sleep. Mummy gets sleep. The End.
Or I will be forced to do something you hate. Despise. That makes you run out of the vicinity screaming with the horror of it all.
I will sing.
Oh yeah buddy, I will sing loud. With smiling. And over emphasised actions. That I make up myself. That are vastly different to the Boo ordained actions that are acceptable in this household.
Or I will inform the military of your secret super nada sleeping powers. I am sure that they will be very interested……
Your choice buddy.
I have offered Moo cold hard CASH to watch Boo for me tonight. I am going to bed. At 9pm.