Today I unearthed 17 boxes of Christmas decorations from the pits of hell the garage, lost a child, tried to saw the end off a Christmas tree with a butter knife stupid freaking blunt hand saw, found said child and kicked her arse gave her a stern talking to and then kicked her arse, revealed my bloggyness to a friend I can physically fondle touch, supervised the shaving off of the porn Mo, cursed Blogger a million times for changing the commenting procedures, got my first weird search engine referral,
and generally lost my freaking mind.
And all the while Boo kept repeating:
“I feel cranky and pubescent today and I dont know why! GRRRRR I am gunna take it out on people I like.”
Yeah fab. Just the sorta thing to get me in the Christmas mood.
I woke Mario-porn-star (fucker still had the Mo goin’ on, must of slipped some Mogadon in my water last night cause I passed out before midnight and missed my opportunity to cause him a world-o-pain with the Epilady.) and promised him lovin’ if he went out RIGHT now to get a Christmas tree. Never seen the Asshat move so fast!
Now we all remember the promise of a new coffee machine don’t we? Yeah, so do I *snigger*
I can just bring that up when he tries to get payment now. Bwaaaa haaa haaa!
The house smells like Christmas with the beautiful tree!
Yes, I know it is on a freaking lean. Bastard fought me all the way into the house and was lucky I didn’t kick the fucking thing down after some loose leaves (? leaves? spines? freaking SPIKES?) fell down the back of my shirt and I thought it was a *shudder* spider and started jumping around screaming and the boy and bunny rolled their eyes. They are still judging me.
Don’t have a photo of the bathroom tree yet. Yes, I have a bathroom tree. Don’t you start judging….
Decorating will happen tomorrow when the branches get a chance to settle. And it is MY tree. No sticky little shit-and-toothpaste-covered nor Emo oh-my-world-sucks-cause-Mum-cracked-at-me-for-being-a-thoughtless-little-biatch fingers are touching my tree. They can do one of the other six.
Yeah six. There you go with the judging again…..
And here is the photo you have all been waiting for…. the end of the road for Mario-porn-star.
Isn’t that much better? You can even see his cute widdle dimple in his cheek now.
Oh, I almost forgot. The weird search engine referral?
“him in the balls”
*snort*
****************
Shit that was a hard post! Knowing that one of my besties is reading it made it really weird.
And don’t forget to get in on the action of naming Mario-porn-star, and read the comments so far they are HILARIOUS!!!!
December 1, 2007 at 10:08 pm
OMG, you make me feel bad that i put my tree up 5 days before christmas.
Bad mummy i know. So tomorrow i’ll go shopping to correct some of that.. But i have to remember to do things in baby steps, so maybe just some light for now.. He he..
December 1, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Love your tree!!
I only have 4 this year. (see judgement here) and my santa has gone missing. I may just have to make that snowman out of all the shopping bags I discovered under the laundry sink. Hey I have another tree. I hadn’t thought of the bathroom, but my bathroom vanity is certainly big enough to decorate! lmao
I was going to make hubby climb up and arrange santa on top of the garage with a fishing line. He was going to be meant to put the hook where I can reach it to change “the catch” when the mood struck me. GRRRRR I shall now have to send MY minions scouring the shops to find me another santa suit.
December 1, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Forgot to say. While disapointed that there was no blood letting the resulting clean shaven look is much MUCH better.
Now don’t you forget to make good on your quid pro quo re the coffee machine
December 2, 2007 at 3:30 am
Get out of town…they have Christmas trees in Australia??? I thought you were beaches on the outside and hot rocks and dirt on the inside? Where do you get the trees? New Zealand?
I live in the land of Christmas Trees and I still haven’t got mine. Of course, my neighbors are starting to gather being that I haven’t put up the requisite 18,000 blinking bulbs across the entire lawn and house. I thought, screw them, I’ll get the jump on them and put out the valentine decorations!
December 2, 2007 at 5:20 am
My tree will go up today when the boys get back from their father’s place. If I can remember where I put it last year. I think it’s in the garage… maybe…
Speaking of spidery things, I brought a whole pile of silverbeet from the garden into the house, and when I dunked it in a sink of water to wash it a big flat cockroachy thing leaped up, onto my wrist and started scurrying up my arm.
I shrieked like a steam train, shook it off and squashed it with a glass that was strategically placed next to the sink. It had white squishy things inside it.
The cat came along and ate it. Sometimes I think that this whole organic gardening thing is more trouble than it’s worth.
December 2, 2007 at 6:41 am
Lisa: Everyone does it differently. I just happen to LURVE Christmas decos!
Bettina: I want minions!!!!! You know the 4 trees will become 5 and then…. it’s addictive.
Doesn’t Mario-porn-star look much betterer without the dirty smudge? Less mobster, more little boy *snigger*
VE: Yeah, yeah very funny. Don’tcha know Australia is just a mini America? Except we ride kangaroo’s to work and milk Koalas for our coffee.
Frogdancer: Yeah thanks for that. I was eating…. *shudder*
December 2, 2007 at 7:26 am
We got our tree today too. Quite frankly it was the fastest tree purchase in the history of my family. We just went down the street the boy scout lot and picked the biggest one. $100 can you believe it?
Every year we go to a huge farm and search for hours but this year due to injuries from football and lack of time we spent all of 5 minutes.
It smells heavenly.
December 2, 2007 at 7:38 am
ONE HUNDRED BUCKS!!!!!!! SHEEESH!!! Our dollar is worth like 89cents of yours and I got 2 fabulous trees for $50!
When I woke this morning (to the screaming of the boy in the lounge) all I could smell was the tree, made waking not as bad…
December 2, 2007 at 8:16 am
I have a limp sad little tree that I am not sure if I am going to decorate because he is sick (yes he has a name too. Am I judging you for your 6 trees?). Poor thing is a live conifer in a pot and he may have been a teensy bit neglected. Ooops.
December 2, 2007 at 8:17 am
WELL…..we have 1 very fake Christmas Tree that is still in the roof!!!! I do own a little baby one (from my early flatting days) but that tends to stay in it’s box year after year. I have 1 on my blog…does that count????? Not that I’m competitive or anything….but WHERE do you fit them all???? Does more trees=more presents??? Cos then I might have to consider……no, I’ll leave the tree insanity to you.
FROGDANCER!!!!! I carefully avoid reading your blog while eating my weetbix and what happens to me this morning????? I nearly THROW UP the weetbix I’m half way through eating reading your comment on here. Is there NOWHERE safe for me to eat my breakfast????
Hey Kelley – can you teach me how to milk a koala? LOL.
December 2, 2007 at 9:38 am
We have one rather nice tree that will fortunately fit on top of the toy cupboard – because I think the look of all the SHINY will make Stealth Ninja child a very happy little boy!
I have a plastic tub of decorations. I have upgraded from a shoebox… Our tree is “traditionally” decorated by H and myself the day after his birthday. he is rather chuffed by it all as it’s the only occasion he’s actually allowed to stand on the furniture!
We have loads of very shiny decorations that all preferably clash horribly. But decoration begins and ends with tree!
December 2, 2007 at 10:30 am
You have a Christmas tree in the bathroom? One must ask what size tree the bathroom Christmas tree is.
I don’t even really celebrate Christmas anymore, that is what being married to a Jewish girl will do to you. However, we don’t celebrate Chanukah either. We ignore both religions at this time of year (and all other times of the year too).
December 2, 2007 at 10:38 am
mwahahahaha – get your own minions!! I’m quite liking having minions and aint giving them up for nuffin or nowun just yet!
December 2, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I think the clean-shaven look is infinitely better!
And a tree in the bathroom. No judgment, but…huh.
December 2, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Tree looks gorgeous, Kelley. Will we get pics of all of them? I don’t seem to be able to dredge up much Christmas spirit but I did hose off the Christmas tree that lives on the front verandah and pull down the box of decos and let the kids decorate (and scream at them to stop shredding the damn tinsel – which turned out to be the result of Spiderman swinging on it).
December 2, 2007 at 4:16 pm
i just learned that my hubby shares my posts with his coworkers so I know how it feels to be “outed”
December 2, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Veronica: I don’t think I could cope with a little tree. Let alone one I have to keep alive. I killed an agapanthus….. LMAO
Lightening: Yeah it is a competition. I am so winning! Bwaaaa haaa haaa!!
Vic Jodi: Firstly, why don’t you link to your blog? Don’t you want me reading it? *sob* Same goes for Lightening…. We used to have the tree on top of a cupboard when Boo was little but now he is almost as tall as me so no tree is safe!
Riayn: I have just been reading on Robin’s blog about Chanukah, sounds so cool! I would love to celebrate that too!
Bettina: Biatch.
Slouching Mom: Yeah, much betterer. Boo however decided he liked the porn star look and tried to draw it back on!
Emma: Of course. I will bore you all with my Christmas preparations and insanity. Hosing off the Christmas tree? OMG that is hilarious!
FXSmom: I have been sharing a bit about it today, Moo wants to get me my own website/domain thingy for Christmas, and Mario-porn-star was all ‘I wanna read your blog! Pwwweeeaasseee!’ Nup. Cause he would do EXACTLY what your hubby is doing! And I don’t think the delicate minds of his fellow IT blokes could handle it!
December 2, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I have just come over here to breathe beer fumes at you…*buuurp* it is to farking hot for this … *hic*
xoxoxox kim
December 2, 2007 at 7:23 pm
[...] and Magneto Bold Too! (hoping that the post-Movember loving catches up with you and the-artist-formerly-known-as-Mario-porn-star soon, Kelley [...]
December 2, 2007 at 8:32 pm
So the one formerly known as Mario Porn Star sure looks better without the Mo. Much better.
And I’m with Lightening on the fake tree – after our first attempt at a real tree 13 years ago and its domestication didnt go well and DH didn;t talk to me for ages cause it was MY fault (yeah go figure) so we resorted to a plastic tree and no domestication issues.
And to VE – we Aussies are full of hot rocks and proud of it. In fact we are all just generally HOT. And our beaches are fantastic too.
And when it comes to Christmas trees in the Bathroom – see my comment on your previous post – Hint: MCPS
December 2, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Hello again.. i could smell beer *hic* but oops i thinks ist mee.. hicburpslopper
Sluuuuurp aaaahhh…
I Can’t have a tree this year because Miss Amy, my darling grandaughter would …
a: try to climb it.
b: try to eat the decorations
c: try to strangle herself with the tinsel
d: try to climb it. (oops.)
e: It’s gonna be a nightmare…
But cause I am such a sorry person…we will decorate a tree in the front yard… I will post photos..
I love christmas..*sigh*
cheers *hic* Kim
December 2, 2007 at 8:55 pm
You have to have a tree! You have no choice! The fun bits are going to be when Amy tries to pull it over. What fun is Xmas without a tree?
(Sorry Kelley, commandeering your comments again. You love us right?)
December 2, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Stop stalking me daughter lol, I have whinged about it forward posty ,,gna gna gnanananaaaa
December 3, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Kim: If this is you after a couple of beers, I think I may have to close my comments on New Years!!! Or perhaps just save ‘em all and make a post about it *snigger*
Desertqueen: ROFLMAO, yeah MCPS…. didn’t think of that!
Veronica: Yeah, I lurve you both, because you are totally insane! Fit in perfectly.
December 3, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Is linking to my blog sticking the linky in the website spot?
I ama a gumby at blogger!
December 5, 2007 at 2:30 pm
…and you think I’m ‘funny’! These guys are a scream!!!
Nice to see the face back. Much better!
Sounds like a normal day for us…and what do you mean by ‘losing’ your mind??
December 5, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Just want to let you all know that Kelley is the QUEEN of Christmas!!! Nothing is out of bounds when it comes to decorating! You are amazing!!!