Who is this asshole, and why does he get to write the laws.
Tell me where he lives and I will drive my spiked heel through his temple. Or spinal column. He can choose cause I am nice like that. Not like him. Bastard.
Two days ago I was complaining about Summer (complaining? Yes. Surprising isn’t it that I would complain about something being the breezy happy chick that I am…) and I said:
“How about I fucking despise Summer, more than pregnancy hormone induced hemorrhoid’s and even more than when my coffee machine expired.”
(any English teachers out there? Do I have to do quotations when I am quoting myself?)
Well guess what happened today? Oh yes my lovely internets, the new just-an-interim-cheap-jobbie-cause-I-am-a-cheap-bastard coffee machine my husband bought in September, during that horribly expensive week of take out coffee 3 times a day, fucking blew up!
Well not literally. It wouldn’t work. It exploded into pieces when I hurled the heap of shit across the room.
Well not literally. But I did give it a good smack. Mums these days have to smack appliances to get out their frustrations. Not like in my Mums day when kids were regularly belted around the head for the indiscretions of white goods.
My head is pounding. My hands are shaking. The washing is piling up (cause that is the coffee machine’s fault) and the kids are talking at me but I can’t hear anything.
Cause BLOOD is coursing through my veins. Not caffeine. And my body can’t handle that shit.
I haven’t said anything to the kids. They are still traumatised from the last time. But they know something is up. Mummy is not happy and I just announced that we are having take away for dinner. On. A. Thursday.
‘Oooh what are we having? Can we have Chinese or Subway?’ asked Too excitedly
‘I. Don’t. Care.’ I muttered through gritted teeth, my head pounding from the withdrawl and every word pulsing in my head. The headache has started. The shakes will happen soon, and they will have to lock me in the bathroom to prevent me stuffing coffee beans up my arse.
Cause that is the fastest way to get something in your system, idiot. I am not that kinky.
I have eaten the coffee flavoured icecream in the freezer. It was just flavoured, no freaking buzz from that.
I toyed with the idea of making an instant *shudder* cause I keep that shit for guests cause some freakshows don’t like the real stuff. Like those heathens that I gave birth to that prefer easter egg chocolate and that plastic shit that they call chocolate in Advent calendars to real (caffeine filled) chocolate……..
HANG ON!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HANG ON!
*sob* looks like the biatches will eat the good stuff if the crap is not available.
Oh Gaggia Gods! Why have you forsaken me?
So is a broken coffee machine rendering me caffeine-less or Summer worse?
Ask me tomorrow. Or maybe don’t. Cause I will be even worse in the morning.
November 22, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Kelley, Kelley, Kelley…
I only have one suggestion (and it’s a good one, by God) It will solve both your coffee and your Summer problems, and your no sex policy for Movember, are you ready for it?
Connoisseur Cafe grande ice cream and I quote,
“a super premium coffee ice cream that seduces the palate with grand marnier and a generous amount of chocolate coated almonds”.
See? What did I tell you? Keeps you caffeinated, cool and drunk, with all the nuts you could ever want!!!!!
OMG, did I say that? LOL
November 22, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Holy shit. I’ll be back when you get a new machine – ping me when the coast is clear
November 22, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Oh God! I’ve only once been without coffee long enogh to get the withdrawal headache and shakes, when I was a student in a share house and we ran out of kitty money. 3 days I was coffeeless. Then I did a babysitting job. As soon as the parents were half way down the driveway i was into the Nescafe before you could say “Forty-three beans”. 5 cups later my headache was gone. Pure bliss!
(By the way, yes, you do have to use quotation marks when you’re quoting yourself. You’re just as important as anyone else, so you deserve quotes around your remarks just as much as the next person!!)
November 22, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Ugh, welcome to my world. I only drink coffee at exam time. I’m going through withdrawals now. It’s been 10 hours since my last one. The headache, the shakes, the sweats. Right there with ya babe.
We can be cranky together.
How long do you think until you can get a new machine? got any flybuys points or anything you can use?
Hugs babe.
November 23, 2007 at 12:29 am
Hmm make that three, although I only has the headaches and minor shakes, have reduced rather than removed coffee, cause last time i just removed it after the 15 cups a day study week adn exam period, that was a bigggg mistake lol. I bought the cheapest crappiest crap (even worse than my usual cheap crappy stuff), so it tastes that awful atm its easier to only have a mouthful here and there rather than scoff an entire cup. Oh and I should mention the herbal stuff I am taking again makes me almost nauseas when i drink coffee, so helps with the giving up (although definitely not useful for Kin, would NOT be safe until after no3 arrives).
Many Many hugs, Kelley. He is working now, and without sex, so go tell him that a “good” coffee machine arriving shortly will possibly break the drought earlier, lol wicked aren’t I?
November 23, 2007 at 12:38 am
Oh and you know its the cheapest of cheap when you can get 400gms for $2.49.
November 23, 2007 at 2:24 am
I have been known to hit Wal-Mart at midnight when I realized my coffeemaker was dead. I wasn’t making coffee to drink right then, but getting it ready for in the morning. I decided it was worth it when I didn’t kill my family the next morning.
November 23, 2007 at 2:27 am
Dear blogging friend-
My little secret, medication. Yes, I take whatever is necessary to prevent similiar outbursts when life throws it’s unpredictables at me. Come on in, the water’s great!
November 23, 2007 at 7:32 am
I’m with Erin, tell DH that a coffee machine may just get him a little love *ahem*.
November 23, 2007 at 8:35 am
Chocolate coated coffee beans are a good standby to keep in the cupboard for days like these. Try not to eat the whole packet in one go.
November 23, 2007 at 11:33 am
If I didn’t have my coffee I might certainly resort to something kinky just to get me by…there is no hope for us caffiene-o-holics!
My friends and family literally clear the area, backing away like I am holding a machine gun in their face when they know I haven’t had my fix.
I don’t think coffee flavored ice cream will cut it though. It has to be true Columbia, dark roast, weighty coffee. The kind that comes out when I pee smelling freshly brewed.
November 23, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Tiffany: OMG! That totally made me spurt water all over my keyboard. That was brilliant!
“Keeps you caffeinated, cool and drunk, with all the nuts you could ever want!!!!!”
Oh that is the funniest thing EVAH!
Meg: Should be OK now, McCafe coffee at 6.30am and a HUGE one from Gloria Jeans just inhaled….
Frogdancer: Thanks for the education and even if I could stomach instant it would take a whole jar to get the buzz I normally get!
Kin: I am thinking my coffee requirements outweigh the childrens need for food and medications….. fair point?
Erin: Would rather shove coffee beans up my arse than drink instant. Yes, I am a coffee snob. Might put the options to Mario-porn-star as long as he wears a surgeons mask….. could be kinky! LMAO
Contrary: No walmart here sadly. But McCafe opens at 5am……
Mystarbucks: Nah, just need coffee. Feeling goooooood right now with my belly full of latte goodness.
Veronica: Yeah, perhaps I should msg him now…
Stella Devine: I thought I had some *sob* but must have eaten them all. Gotta carry a mirror around with me when I eat them though. Coffee grounds in teeth is NOT a good look!
Melinda: You pee coffee? Hmmmmm, if I get desperate might give you a call!
November 23, 2007 at 2:50 pm
I feel your pain.. The offspring learned VERY VERY VERY QUICKLY… Do not talk to me before I have had the first coffee….
I will be back when it is Safe… xox
November 23, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Murphy.. gah. We’ve all had our bones to pick with him. SOMEONE BRING THE WOMAN COFFEE!
November 23, 2007 at 3:55 pm
p.s that is what you get for offending New Zealanders and Tasmanians in one comment…
MUUAAAWHAHAHAHAH….. snort..
November 23, 2007 at 4:02 pm
You may want to throttle me….
I’ve tagged you for a meme. It’s on my blog. I know I know, good on me, what a jolly good fellow I am.
Accept or decline… do with it what you will.
November 23, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Can’t you get IV caffeine?? What? No-one’s developed it in a pure unadulterated IV form. Get onto it girl, there’s a huge market out there – me included.
My husband and kids know not to talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my intake of caffeine.
My caffeine-supplied heart goes out to you. Hope the situation is remedied soon. And I vote with the others – call an early end to Movember exile and see what DH can do……….about the coffee machine.
December 29, 2007 at 10:11 pm
[...] Well its Saturday again. How did come around so fast? Seems like only yesterday it was Monday and I was finishing my Christmas shopping and swearing at Murphy. [...]